


It's Not Always Gonna Be This Grey

by rumbleroarsslumberingcubs



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23176873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumbleroarsslumberingcubs/pseuds/rumbleroarsslumberingcubs
Summary: Something horrible happens to Gary, and John is desperate to find a way to fix things. The Legends offer their help as best they can.
Relationships: John Constantine/Gary Green, Mick Rory/Leonard Snart, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 14
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I've been dying for some more John/Gary content so I made some myself. I really hope you enjoy this story, but I just wanted to warn y'all that this story is centered around a character's rape and their recovery. If this is a trigger for you, please be careful.

John flipped through the pages of a spell book as he waited for Gary to self-consciously seek his approval before leaving to celebrate his friend’s birthday.

The warlock hated that his boyfriend was so afraid of judgement. It was strange; Gary appeared so proud to be himself, yet the minute anyone looked down on him, he seemed to want to disappear. He could be horrible to himself for days.

So, when Gary awkwardly made his way into the living room in a casual pair of skinny jeans and a white t-shirt, Constantine made sure to be as supportive and loving as he possibly could.

See, John wasn’t used to being gentle. He was always harsh and precise and sarcastic. He was all hard edges.

But Gary, he was soft. He was sweet and—well—fragile. So, John had to adjust his way of communicating, and he was willing to; for that man, he was willing to do just about anything.

“Well,” John whistled lowly, “who’s this good looking, young squire, then?”

Constantine grinned while dragging his eyes across his lover’s body. Gary did look bloody sensational, and he thought it would be a crime if the former time agent didn’t know it.

Gary smiled, blushing bright as he turned slightly, critiquing his outfit and the way he looked with a very sharp eye.

“You really think so?” he questioned quietly, carefully avoiding John’s eye while he tugged at his jeans, “I don’t look…I don’t know…weird?”

There was that same self-doubt creeping in. That insecurity that broke Constantine’s heart. That lack of confidence that was a direct result of a childhood filled with bullying and anxiety.

“You look lovely,” the warlock assured with a soft look on his face, “Casual. Sexy. Can’t wait to take those bloody clothes off you.”

John smirked at the shocked look on his boyfriend’s face as he lit another cigarette, leaving it dangling from his lips in, what Gary found, the most irresistible way.

Constantine was nothing if not a flirt.

“You know, Johnny, you’re the only person who thinks I’m sexy,” Gary admitted with his signature grin; he didn’t even realize how heartbreakingly insecure he sounded. He just accepted it as reality.

“Ah, I very much doubt that, sweetheart,” he debated firmly, “There’ll be hundreds of wankers trying to get into those tight little pants of yours tonight.”

Gary’s cheeks reddened at the praise, but his posture straightened and instantly, he was just the slightest bit more confident.

“Maybe,” Gary played along cheekily while lowering himself into John’s lap, “but only one wanker will succeed.”

“Bloody hell, love,” Constantine breathed out before pulling Gary close for a breath-taking kiss. His hands clenched at Gary’s thighs while he bit down on his lower lip.

“I have to go, baby,” the former time agent murmured breathlessly after making out with Constantine for a few minutes.

John knew he was already late, but he found Gary to be simply irresistible.

“Bollocks,” John cursed under his breath before reluctantly letting his boyfriend go, “Alright, squire, be safe. But, y’know, live a little.”

Gary smiled at that and pressed a sweet, barely-there kiss against Constantine’s cheek.

“I will. See you tonight,” the former time agent promised before hurrying out the door.

John was officially on his lonesome for the night.

The party Gary was off to was for one of his university mates. Constantine loved Gary to death but going to a bar with a bunch of overly academic, posh wankers wasn’t exactly his idea of a great time.

Besides, they didn’t need to do everything together. John was still, after all, very much a solo act. He needed his space from time to time.

So, he spent his evening with a good bottle of scotch, a handful of cigarettes, and a spell he’d been dying to perfect.

He thought about Gary every few hours, mostly just wondering what he was up to, but once he realized it was roughly three in the morning, he started to panic a bit.

It wasn’t common for Gary to stay out so late.

And with John being John, he always assumed the worst. 

So, he called his boyfriend, trying not to get too anxious when it went straight to voicemail. Then, he paced around the house, covering nearly every square inch of it (while smoking up a storm) until a knock came from his door.

Which Constantine found only the more worrisome, considering the fact that Gary had a key.

But maybe he was just drunk.

Or maybe he lost his key.

Or maybe he was in trouble. Or hurt. Or dead.

_Slow down, you fucking basket case. He’s fine._

So, with a deep, centering breath, John opened the door. He didn’t know what he would find but he found himself praying to a God he knew didn’t love him that everything would be alright.

But it wasn’t. Nothing was alright.

“Gary?” John gasped breathlessly at the sight of his boyfriend, passed out in the arms of a man he somewhat recognized from D&D night.

Constantine carefully took his lover into his own arms, frozen in fear when Gary didn’t move a muscle; he simply slumped forward.

“What happened, then?” John asked impatiently as he carefully laid his boyfriend down on the couch.

“Um, well, I don’t know. He was gone for a while, and when we finally went to look, I found him like that in the bathroom,” the man responded more than a little nervously.

John Constantine was an imposing person, especially when someone he loved was in trouble. The small, twitchy looking man didn’t stand a chance.

“So, where the _fuck_ were you then, mate?” John hissed fiercely, getting closer and closer to the so-called friend standing in his doorway.

What fucking idiot would leave one of their mates all alone in a rambunctious bar on a Saturday night?

“I—I wasn’t…no one knew where he went,” he tried to defend, shrinking into himself as he took a small step back.

Constantine simply followed him forward.

“Oh, is that right? And you just thought, ‘Eh, who gives a fuck what happens to ol’ Gary as long as I’m having right good time,’ is that it? You fucking tosser,” he spat in his distaste.

“I was just distracted! Really!” the man cried anxiously.

In that moment, John realized that the poor bloke wasn’t worth the aggravation because Gary, the one that really mattered, was lying on his couch unconscious and he had no idea why.

“Oh, of course you were, you bleedin’ sod. Just piss off!” the warlock dismissed in his frustration, slamming the door behind him as he rushed over to Gary.

If the blood and bruises on Gary’s face weren’t enough to worry John, the disheveled state of his clothes and the dark purpling marks along his neck and chest certainly were.

Gary’s t-shirt was literally torn to shreds, revealing what looked like hickeys and bite marks. His arms bore scratches that were still bleeding ever-so-slightly.

But his pants—his literally bloody pants—were the tipping point.

Before seeing that article of clothing, Constantine could guess what had been done to his poor Gary. 

But once he saw those pants, stained with blood, zipper broken, belt unbuckled, John was sure of what happened.

_“Hundreds of wankers will want to get into those tight little pants of yours,”_ he’d said flirtatiously.

How absolutely sickening he was.

Why couldn’t he ever keep his stupid fucking mouth shut?

And then, Gary groaned, loud and low and _animal_ in its sheer expression of pain.

It was quite possibly the worst thing John had ever heard in his entire life. Not even the screams of the damned souls in hell made his heart ache like that agonized moan.

He rushed to Gary’s side, kneeling in front of the couch and stroking his lover’s hair over and over, just so he could feel useful.

“Gary?” he prompted hopelessly, “Fuck, Gary, my love, can you hear me?”

No response, just a flutter of his long, lovely lashes and a soft whimper.

Constantine felt a tear roll down his cheek, though he quickly wiped it away. He had no time to be emotional. He had to fucking fix things. And he knew just the people to help.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finds himself on the Waverider, desperate for help. Mick is a surprising source of comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd post the second chapter, too. The Legends enter the story as Constantine seeks help for Gary. Mick is a major player in this chapter because I love him and because I think he'd be understanding in a situation like this. Any Coldwave shippers out there (like me) will have some mention of the relationship this chapter. Thanks so much for reading!

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart,” John promised even though he knew it was a lie.

But he had to say _something_ to make him feel better. But Gary wasn’t even conscious, so it was clear that Constantine’s sad attempt at positivity was meant more for himself than his lover.

“I just need to find that bloody time courier,” he mumbled as he went off, blindly searching for the object that would allow him access to the place he so desperately needed to go.

If he were thinking more clearly, he would have remembered that Gary always put his time courier in the same place: on the small table in the hall.

But John was capable of little at that point.

So, he was extremely lucky when he simply stumbled across that very table, seeing that the courier was indeed in the same place it always was. He grabbed it with a sense of extreme urgency and rushed back to his boyfriend’s side.

“Thank God you still have one of these things,” the warlock murmured as though Gary could actually hear him; a part of him hoped that maybe he could.

“Alright, love, I’m going to make everything better now,” Constantine promised in what he hoped would be a convincing tone.

He gathered Gary up in his arms and opened a portal, stepping onto the Waverider in a matter of seconds.

“John?” Zari questioned once he’d closed the portal behind him, “What are you—is that Gary?”

“Yes,” he replied distractedly, before calling out to the ship’s AI, “Gideon, prepare the med bay!”

“Right away, Mr. Constantine.”

“Thanks, love,” John responded lowly as he rushed past the rest of the baffled crew. He didn’t have time to explain, not yet anyways.

First, Gary needed medical attention. Constantine had yet to learn if his lover was simply very drunk or if someone had drugged him at the bar.

“John, what the hell is going on?” Sara questioned as she followed him into the med bay.

Constantine didn’t answer, didn’t even process the question really, as he cautiously lowered Gary down into one of the seats.

He subconsciously caressed the former time agent’s cheek before asking pointedly, “Gideon? What are we dealing with here?”

“It appears Mr. Green has been drugged with Gamma-hydroxybutyric acid, which is often used to render a victim unconscious. He has sustained injuries that suggest some form of sexual violence has occurred. None of these injuries are severe, though he will most likely be in quite some pain for several days.”

John felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He could barely stand as a he staggered back a few steps, only feeling stable once he realized Ray was carefully holding him up.

“I fucking knew it,” Constantine mumbled, suddenly filled with so much rage he could barely see.

John raced to the brig, clearly a man on a mission, but the rest of the Legends quickly followed, knowing full well what the warlock intended to do.

“John,” Ava warned, but he turned on her with a fury almost unrecognizable on his face.

“No! We are going back in time and stopping this from ever happening, whether you lot like it or not,” Constantine spat as his eyes combed the room for an escape route in which one of the powerful Legends couldn’t stop him from reaching the jump ship.

“I know you love him, John,” Sara softened with a sympathetic sigh, “And I hate to tell you this, because when Rip told me the same, I wanted to kill him. But certain things in history just can’t be changed.”

John scowled, rolling his eyes with a slightly insulting counterpoint on the tip of his tongue, but Sara simply continued.

“There is no anachronism or encore that caused this. We can’t fix what was never broken.”

Constantine felt that same fire building up inside him again and glared at the captain of the ship.

“So, it’s all bloody well and good, then,” he hissed sarcastically, “Because when did any of you actually give a damn about Gary? As long as he serves his purpose, aye? Clearly you all find him expendable.”

Nate seemed offended by the accusation and Ray, somewhat ashamed. They knew that Constantine had a point, but it wasn’t something they wanted to admit to themselves.

Finally, Ava spoke up quietly, knowing John had a somewhat compelling argument, and offered what she hoped would be a viable option.

“Hear me out, okay?” she requested with a small frown, “We could just…you know, flash his memory. I mean, I hated Rip for hiding things from me, but maybe this is for the best?”

John was surprised by the offer, finding it to be the next best thing to actually changing the past. He’d do anything to take his boyfriend’s pain away.

The rest of the team, however, seemed uncomfortable with the idea.

“I don’t know,” Nate trailed off uncertainly, “I feel like Gary would be the one to make that call, should he decide to.”

“No,” Constantine shot back, “We should just do it. I won’t let him suffer any longer. I absolutely will not, mate. If we all keep our bloody mouths shut, then he’ll never even know it happened.”

John knew the idea of wiping his memory was morally gray at best, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Gary living with such a terrible burden.

“But, John,” Sara interrupted his thoughts awkwardly, “He’ll…feel it. He won’t understand why he’s in so much pain.”

Constantine scowled, even though he could understand what the captain was saying. But John wasn’t one for being wrong.

“He’s gonna think you did it,” Mick suddenly spoke up with a strange amount of insight, “If you flash his memory, he’ll think you’re the one who hurt him.”

“I—” Constantine stopped, unsure of how to debate that logical argument, “He can blame me. If it makes things better, then he can blame me.”

The idea of Gary thinking he was the one who hurt him like that, who _demeaned_ him like that, was unfathomable. But maybe that would be better than believing a total stranger had done it.

“John, you know it won’t make anything better,” Ray countered gently, “I can’t imagine Gary would rather believe that you, someone he loves and trusts, would hurt him like that over a stranger. He’s going to need you.”

Constantine frowned, annoyed that, as per usual, Ray was right. They all were.

“So, you wankers are telling me there is not a damn thing that can be done for him?” he shot back in frustration.

John lit another cigarette as a distraction from the horrific situation he found himself in. A distraction from the thought that he could do absolutely nothing for the man he loved so much.

“I—John, I don’t think so,” Ava murmured with tears shining in her eyes.

“Well, then, fuck you, Sharpe!” Constantine spat viciously, knowing he was being unfair, “You’d think that after all Gary has done for you, you’d actually give a shit.”

The Time Bureau director looked down at her feet, actively avoiding eye contact with the clearly livid man before her.

“Don’t talk to her like that, John,” Sara warned with a look that would make anyone want to retreat, “Don’t attack the only people on your side.”

John ignored his guilt and whispered a bitter sounding, “fine,” before rushing to the med bay to check on Gary.

Seeing him lying back in the chair, asleep with no idea of what was to come, made Constantine’s heart ache. The moment Gary woke up, that peaceful look on his face would be gone, and John wasn’t sure if he was ready to handle that.

Constantine sat down beside Gary, taking his hand in his own and gently pressing a kiss to the tips of his fingers.

The former time agent’s face was littered with bruises. His lip was busted up. And John couldn’t even stand to look at the hickeys and bite marks that scattered across his neck all the way down his chest.

It made Constantine sick to picture some evil man putting those intimate marks on someone so innocent as Gary.

Those were the kind of people who deserved to rot in hell.

As John soothed his boyfriend by playing with his hair gently and whispering soft promises, he felt a quiet presence beside him.

When he gazed up, he was surprised to find Mick standing there offering him a beer and a sympathetic look.

However, he took the offered drink and smiled weakly.

“Thanks, mate.”

Mick grunted and raised his own bottle to his lips. He seemed somewhat lost, as though he were remembering something troubling.

“Well, I know you don’t like me, so I’m curious as to why you chose to enjoy my delightful company,” Constantine admitted distractedly as he again focused all of his attention on Gary.

“I’ve been you before,” Mick murmured quietly, which seemed to capture the focus of the other man, “Been the guy in the chair, holding my husband’s hand, waiting for him to wake up, and wanting to kill whoever put their hands on him.”

Constantine was shocked; he’d never pictured Mick as the kind of guy to ever be tied down, and by a man, no less.

“You’re married?” he questioned dubiously, temporarily turning his attention from his lover to the Legend beside him.

“Widowed,” Mick replied quietly.

“My apologies, big man,” John genuinely responded; he’d loved and lost far too many times, so he _knew_ that sort of pain, and it was the worst feeling in the world.

Mick nodded and looked away for a moment, but Constantine didn’t miss the way the older man’s eyes welled with tears that the he would never let free.

However, Mick quickly pulled himself together and abruptly began to share with the warlock one of the greatest pains of his life.

“Some fucking asshole punk who was working with us got Lenny drunk, I mean really fucking wasted, at a bar where he was making plans. Then, he dragged him into the bathroom and—well, I’m sure you can guess what he did,” Mick supplied gruffly with a rage filled look on his face.

John finally understood why Mick was being so nice to him. He knew exactly what it felt like to know that the love of his life had been treated in such an appalling manner and have absolutely no power to fix things.

“When I found him,” the Legend continued, “he was bruised and shaking, his pants pushed down around his knees, which told me exactly what went down before Len even opened his mouth. He was black out drunk, at that point. Didn’t even realize I was there.”

Mick paused, seemingly gathering his strength to continue. He was clearly struggling; the memory of his husband so hurt and vulnerable still impossible to swallow.

Constantine didn’t push him, didn’t urge him to go on. Mick could take all the time he needed, after all, he was reliving the whole thing for John’s sake.

“Never could handle his booze, my Lenny,” he murmured flatly, “Next day when he woke up, he had no memory of what happened to him. He thought I fucked him like that, so hard he could barely stand. He thought I was the one who hit him and manhandled him.”

_Ah,_ Constantine thought, _now his comment from before makes perfect sense._

“He was scared of me that whole day, wouldn’t even look at me, until the memories of the night came flooding back. He told me, bit by bit, everything that bastard did to him. So, I made sure he could never hurt my Lenny ever again.”

John understood the unspoken. Mick killed the man who raped his husband, and Constantine thought he well and truly deserved it.

“When Gary tells me what happened, when he reveals what miserable cunt touched him, I’ll hunt that piss flap down and send him straight to hell,” John spat, and he truly meant it.

Whoever hurt Gary like that, they deserved to burn. And when John found himself in hell, too, well, he’d make sure to torture that bloody bastard for all of eternity.

“As you should,” Mick agreed, “He fucking deserves it.”

“Thanks, mate,” Constantine murmured genuinely. It was always comforting to have someone around who could truly understand what you were going through.

“Yeah,” Mick responded quickly, before quietly adding, “Lenny used to feel better when I checked the locks on the doors before we went to sleep. Maybe that will help your nerd.”

John smiled; it was nice to know that someone on the ship actually cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look out for Chapter 3, it should be around soon! Can't wait to see what you guys think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary wakes up and John feels completely inadequate. He wants to say all the right things, and Gary just wants the pain to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a sad chapter, Gary's reaction to his sexual assault is quite heartbreaking. As always, be careful and put your own mental health first, if this topic is triggering to you. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to mention them below. I appreciate your support!

It had been a few hours since John brought Gary to the Waverider. Nothing had changed; the former time agent was still unconscious, and Constantine was still furious.

The bruises on his lover’s face had grown darker and he kept shifting around uncomfortably, moaning in pain every so often.

John hated watching Gary in such misery. It was torture for him.

“J-Johnny?” Gary murmured suddenly; his voice weak with a hint of confusion. He was trying to sit up, though he was quickly realizing that the pain wasn’t worth it. He winced and looked to Constantine for help.

“Yes, love, I’m right here,” John promised with a half convincing smile, “No need to sit up, squire, you just stay nice and comfortable.”

Constantine tried his best to ignore the way his boyfriend’s face contorted with what looked like sheer agony.

He wasn’t prepared to deal with this. John had no plan, no idea of how to make things any better. He was useless.

“It hurts,” Gary slurred, eyes clenched shut to block out his misery.

The pained admission nearly broke Constantine’s heart and made him even more resolute in his belief that the Legends, those self-righteous bastards, should have let him alter time.

“I-I’m sure it does, sweetheart,” he attempted to empathize, though he felt awkward and inadequate, “I’m so sorry, my love.”

“Everything hurts,” Gary reiterated with tears streaming down his bruised cheeks. 

He clenched Constantine’s hand so hard it was almost painful, but the warlock didn’t care. He simply caressed Gary’s palm and allowed him to continue to hold on tight.

He was trying to anchor his terrified boyfriend and remind him that there was at least one man he could trust.

Gary let out a sob that was so raw and inconsolable that John began to panic.

“Gideon, give him something for the bloody pain, can’t you tell he’s in fucking misery?” Constantine demanded frantically.

“What happened, John?” Gary asked timidly, “W-why does everything hurt so bad?”

John didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t really accounted for the fact that his boyfriend wouldn’t remember everything right away.

“I—” he seemed to stall as he tried to decide what would be the best thing to say, “it’s a long story, darling.”

Gary, understandably, was not satisfied with that response and he started to get really anxious, “I don’t remember _anything_. Did we…did you—”

“No, Gary, love, I swear on my life, I’d never hurt you like this,” Constantine promised because even seeing that brief moment of betrayal on Gary’s face was too much for him. 

John could never have actually let his boyfriend believe that he had been the one to make him feel so horrible, despite what he told Ray and the other Legends.

“But,” Gary countered, even though he believed John, “but I don’t—I don’t sleep with other people.”

_He’s so innocent_ , John thought with a sad, little sigh, _He can’t even imagine someone doing something so awful to him_.

“It wasn’t your choice, squire. Some dirty bastard took that choice away from you and that’s what caused this to happen, love,” Constantine explained firmly, leaving no room for Gary to blame himself, which he knew he would, “And I should have been there in the first place to protect you.”

“I don’t…” Gary trailed of frustratedly, “John, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

John froze, completely unsure of what to do or say. He didn’t know if he should talk to Gary about it, or if that would only make things worse. He just wanted to see his boyfriend smile again.

However, Gary was rightfully impatient, so he demanded in a small voice, “Johnny, what’s going on? Seriously, I’m scared!”

He didn’t seem able to breathe as he began to panic, eyes pleading with Constantine for some sort of reprieve.

John swallowed hard and gathered his courage before quietly responding, “Someone—I wasn’t with you, love, and someone drugged you. He…took advantage of you, sweetheart. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to stop him, but if I _ever_ find out who touched you, Gary, I swear on my life, I’ll send the bastard straight to hell!”

And Constantine meant it; it wasn’t some figure of speech. He would happily force that sick fuck down to the depths of despair without a second thought.

No one touched Gary and got away with it.

“They…took advantage of me?” the former time agent murmured fearfully, “Like—like he ra—forced himself on me?”

Gary looked pale, and his big eyes shone with tears. He wanted John to have an answer, to have a solution, but he didn’t.

Nothing he could say or do would make the situation any better.

So, Constantine swallowed hard and tried to keep his own tears at bay. He had to be strong for Gary, there was no time for him to get weepy. He had to be the one strong enough to carry his boyfriend’s pain.

“Yes, Gary, my love, he did,” John admitted quietly, “I’ve got you now, though. I’ll keep you safe, sweetheart.”

“No,” Gary whispered in horror, “ _no_ , John, this can’t be happening.”

His eyes were wide with dread and he was slowly curling into the fetal position, in an obvious effort to try and protect himself.

Constantine had never felt so distraught; he’d never seen someone who appeared so broken.

“I know, Gary,” John agreed with an unsure look on his face, “It never should have happened.”

“I—I can’t!” Gary gasped, his breathing growing quicker and shallower by the second, “Johnny, _please_.”

Constantine looked around for help, though Mick was long gone. He was alone, with no real way to improve things; he’d never felt so useless in his life.

“I’m so sorry,” John choked out, knowing it wasn’t enough but finding it to be the only thing he was capable of saying.

“I can’t do this, Johnny. _John!_ ” Gary begged and the desperation in his voice made Constantine nauseous.

“It—it’ll be alright, love,” he responded gently. What a load of shite, and Gary knew it, too.

“I remember his _hands_ , John. His fucking _hands_ ,” the former time agent confessed with an expression on his face as though he’d seen a ghost.

Constantine flinched, especially at the curse word. Gary never swore. Ever, as a rule.

He knew things were seriously painful for him if he was cursing like that.

“Y-you remember?” John asked carefully.

“Just his hands. I can’t see his face, but I remember his hands. And his fingers. Scratching me and squeezing me and beating me. On me. I-in me,” Gary shuddered just picturing the whole scene, watching as someone grabbed him like he was simply an object to be played with.

Constantine felt his heart begin to race; he could have killed someone after hearing all that. And if Gary had any clue what that tosser looked like, John would have found him and murdered him on the spot.

That fucking bastard.

But he pushed his anger down and out of sight; he didn’t want to scare his boyfriend, especially since he was already so jumpy.

No, he would be safe and loving. No angry outbursts from him. Not yet, anyway.

“You’re safe now, squire. I’ll make sure of it,” Constantine promised affectionately, and he intended to keep that promise.

“I couldn’t stop him, Johnny,” Gary whimpered with fear in his eyes, “I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad.”

“Mad?” Constantine questioned in absolute shock, “No. No, no, no, don’t you go apologizing to me, sweetheart, or anybody else. Nothing that happened was your fault, do you understand me, love?”

Gary simply looked away with a little shrug and John was infuriated that some waste of space had convinced his sweet love that any of this was his fault.

“Anyone who tells you differently will have a bloody word or two with me.”

Gary shrugged again, convinced that he was somehow at fault for such a terrible thing happening to him.

Constantine was quiet for a few seconds as he tried to think of something to say, something to make him feel better.

However, he was interrupted by a hopeless cry.

“I can feel them, John. Those _hands_. Oh God, please,” he moaned, clinging to Constantine as though he could change the past.

_You could_ , John thought self-deprecatingly, _if you and the goddamn Legends weren’t so bloody selfish._

“I know, darling, I know,” Constantine murmured softly, “Why don’t you focus on _my_ hands, yeah? They won’t ever hurt you.”

He demonstrated by gently caressing Gary’s cheek and running his fingers through his dark hair.

“See?” the warlock murmured with an unspoken promise.

_I will never hurt you._

Gary nodded, though his sobs were still loud and heartbreaking. However, he did lean into John’s touch, and the trust was more meaningful than he ever imagined it could be.

Constantine brought his lips to Gary’s forehead and pressed the gentlest kiss to his skin.

“I’m here now, squire,” John swore, “And I’m never going away.”

Gary’s eyes fluttered shut and Constantine was relieved to see him even slightly more relaxed. So, he continued caressing his hair and forehead and even started singing him a song, just to keep the calm look on his face.

After a few minutes, when his song was finished, Gideon spoke up in her cheerful tone, “It appears Mr. Green is asleep.”

“Good,” John said quietly, “He deserves some peace.”

“I did give him a small sedative. I apologize Mr. Constantine,” Gideon replied, sounding the least bit apologetic.

“That’s alright, Gideon, love. Poor lad needs a break.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming soon! Thanks for sticking around.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava lends her support and John finds out more from Gary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thanks for the encouragement thus far! I really do appreciate it. Just a warning: this chapter discusses, more frankly, Gary's rape. Though there is nothing graphic, I know it is a triggering topic, and I want to make sure I am properly warning everyone before I post it.

Gary Green, so bright and naïve and selfless. So beautiful and pure and kind.

How could someone hurt him like that? _Abuse_ him like that?

It was sick. John was appalled simply thinking about what that wicked, malicious man did.

Constantine dealt with demons and darkness every day; that was how he made his living, it said so on his business card.

But to drug someone and assault them? That felt like the most purely evil thing a human being could possibly do to another. 

It was sick and perverse and _wrong_ , and no one deserved to be treated so badly.

_Gary_ didn’t deserve to be treated so badly.

He wanted to tell the Legends to piss off. He wanted to sneak out to the jump ship and protect the love of his life, but he knew what a mess that could make.

He wasn’t able to travel back in time and save Desmond; what made him think it would work with Gary?

It was only a matter of time before Gary got hurt. It was inevitable, some kind of bloody curse, it seemed. Even if it wasn’t directly John’s fault, it was the simple reality of loving him: you would get hurt.

No matter what.

It was fucking _selfish_ of him to let down his guard and love Gary as deeply as he did. Selfish and foolish and he knew better.

How dare he put Gary in harm’s way? John hated himself for it.

Even still, he couldn’t stop looking at his boyfriend, asleep and gorgeous, despite the bruises and swelling on his face.

Gary was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. And that bright, genuine smile he wore so often was the best part.

Constantine wasn’t exactly the kind of person who smiled a lot, not a real smile, anyway. He hid away behind a smirk and a cigarette, and rarely let himself simply be _happy_.

Except when he was with Gary.

Gary brought out the best in him, including real smiles. He hadn’t _really_ smiled since his relationship with Desmond.

Gary was healing him, whether he knew it or not.

John wasn’t sure if he was a man capable of returning the favor.

He was convinced that he was best at hurting the people he loved, not healing them.

“Oh, my squire,” Constantine murmured while holding Gary’s hand against his chest, “I love you so much. I want to help you. No, I _am_ going to help you, no matter what. We’ll be okay, yeah?”

A knock on the doorframe had John looking up for a moment, but once he saw that it was Ava, he quickly looked back down.

He was a complete prick to her before, and he owed her an apology, but he wasn’t much in the apologizing mood.

He just wanted to hold Gary’s hand, ignore the rest of the world, and come up with a way to make the whole disastrous situation better.

“How is he?” she asked carefully, and it only made John feel more guilty when he realized how much she actually wanted to know.

Ava wasn’t some heartless bitch. Maybe she wasn’t as kind to Gary as she ought to be, but couldn’t the same be said about himself?

“Honestly, Sharpie?” he replied with the affectionate nickname he’d started calling her, “Bad. Really bloody bad.”

Ava nodded as though she was expecting that very answer and simply sat opposite John at Gary’s other side. She took his hand and squeezed gently, a sorrowful look on her face as she considered what horrible things had been done to him.

Constantine took a deep breath; he wasn’t really one for apologizing. He usually just glossed over whatever he did wrong and hoped the other person would, too.

But Gary would want them getting along, John knew he would.

And he’d do just about anything to make Gary happy, especially with all the shite he was having to deal with.

“Listen, love,” Constantine began hesitantly, “I’m sorry. I can be a right bastard when I want to be.”

Ava waved him off, seeming completely unbothered.

“Don’t, John. I get it,” she offered with a shrug.

“Nah, I was a prick,” Constantine argued with a sigh; he didn’t exactly enjoy being an arsehole, but he found that it was pretty much his go to attitude when upset or afraid.

Ava smiled, “Really, though, I understand. You’re scared. And none of us are actually helping in any meaningful way.”

John opened his mouth to argue but she simply held up her hand and finished quietly, “Besides, you were right. Gary has done so much for me, and I don’t give him enough credit. I don’t treat him with the respect he deserves.”

“Ah, well that makes two of us. Gary deserves far better than me, Sharpie, that’s for damn sure,” Constantine replied fiercely.

John had no right to judge Ava; he was no better. Especially not in the beginning. He was a right old twat when he first met Gary.

“I don’t think that’s true,” she interrupted his thoughts, “I’ve never seen him happier.”

“Still. Sometimes I can be such a cunt,” Constantine spat, filled with self-loathing, “and Gary is never cruel to me, not even when he’s furious. I can be so _mean_ , and he doesn’t even call me on it.”

Sometimes he wished Gary would just stand up for himself. Even against him. No, _especially_ against him.

Ava could see the inner torment going on inside of John.

“You and me, John, we’re harsher people. Gary is gentle. He expresses his anger and frustration differently than we do,” she reasoned in an attempt to bring Constantine back from his self-hatred. 

Gary needed him to be completely calm and soothing, not drowning in self-pity. 

“Now’s not the time to beat yourself up over past mistakes,” Ava continued warmly, but Constantine simply shrugged and lit up a cigarette just so he could have something to do with himself.

The Time Bureau director sighed, then changed tactics, deciding to focus on Gary himself, rather than John.

“Does he remember anything, yet?” Ava asked hesitantly; she wasn’t sure she’d want to know even if he did.

“Somewhat,” Constantine admitted reluctantly, “He keeps mentioning the man’s hands and…what he did to him. But he can’t remember his face, or anything, really. Just his hands.”

Recounting the story made him sick; remembering the way Gary spoke of the man made John furious.

Ava shifted uncomfortably and held tighter to Gary’s hand.

“Poor Gary.”

“I want to know who did it. Because I want to _hurt_ him, Ava,” John seethed frustratedly, “I don’t care if that makes me a bad bloody person, I want revenge.”

“Well, if it does then I’m a bad person, too,” Ava agreed with a dangerous look on her face, “I’d do anything to punch him in the face.”

Constantine smirked, fists clenched in his own personal rage, “Ah, well, get in line, pet.”

Ava smiled dryly and quirked an eyebrow, as if to say _oh, I will._

John grinned at that, impressed by her level of care for the former time agent. He was just glad someone cared about Gary as much as he did.

Well, maybe not _as_ much. But probably close.

“You know, Sharpie,” he said enthusiastically, “you’re alright.”

Ava looked away, seeming both shocked and excited that Constantine thought so. She assumed they would have a feud for the rest of their lives, but clearly that wasn’t turning out to be the case.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, John, but you’re not so bad, either.”

“Finally,” Gary whispered in a small voice, smiling softly, “my two favorite people _finally_ getting along.”

“Debatable,” Ava teased with a wink in Gary’s direction, and it filled John’s heart with pure joy to hear the little giggle that came from his boyfriend.

It was a nice contrast to those terrible moans of pain and tiny whimpers which made Constantine’s stomach drop every time.

“How are you feeling, love?” Constantine asked kindly while kissing his hand several times in a row.

“I don’t know,” Gary admitted, “Maybe we can talk about it when Ava’s gone?”

“We can do whatever you want, sweetheart,” John promised gently.

“Thanks. Ava, I really appreciate you being here for me,” Gary murmured sincerely with a look of admiration in his eyes, “And I’m not trying to kick you out or anything—”

“Say no more,” Ava agreed with a kind smile, “I completely understand. Just know that you can come to me anytime you want.”

“I will,” Gary promised adamantly, and with that Ava squeezed his hand one final time, then turned to leave.

“Can we go to your room?” Gary requested quietly, “I’d really like to be in a bed right now.”

“Of course, darling,” Constantine agreed automatically, wanting nothing more than to do exactly what Gary wanted, when he wanted.

But John wasn’t sure if leaving the med bay was actually a good idea, didn’t know if Gary was in good enough health.

“B-but only if Gideon thinks it’s okay, alright, love? Let’s take things slow,” Constantine urged whilst carefully helping Gary sit up, heart aching when he noticed him wincing.

“I’m fine, baby,” Gary said weakly, though he was able to learn forward and gently kiss John, attempting to put him at ease, “Right, Gideon?”

“Mr. Green is healthy enough to move about as much as he pleases,” Gideon chirped in agreement.

“Right, then,” Constantine agreed hesitantly, “Well, let’s get you in bed, squire.”

Even moving Gary from a lying down position to one where he was sitting up seemed strenuous for the former time agent.

In John’s arms he seemed so fragile.

Though perhaps, it was only in his mind that Gary was so weak. Maybe Constantine was simply terrified of breaking him.

“You ready?” John questioned anxiously; Gary swallowed and simply nodded his head. He leaned against his boyfriend for support as he made his way to his feet.

“Ow,” he mumbled with a pained expression, though he quickly masked it with a barely-there smile.

“Are you okay, love?” Constantine asked immediately, steadying Gary as the color seemed to drain from his face.

“Gideon says I’m fine, Johnny.”

“I don’t care what Gideon says, I care what _you_ say,” John combatted resolutely, “If you’re uncomfortable moving around, then we don’t have to do it.”

Constantine would pretty much say anything at that point to get that horrible look of pain off his face. Why put extra pressure on himself? Why make things unnecessarily harder?

“John, I want to get up and move,” his boyfriend insisted, “It hurts, but it won’t stop hurting if I just lay around.”

“It’s been just a few hours, squire! Be slow with yourself,” Constantine nearly begged. Why wouldn’t he just listen to him, goddamn it?

“Johnny,” Gary mumbled softly as he cupped his hand against the warlock’s flushed cheek, “come on. For me.”

John let out a deep breath and tried not to appear frustrated. Instead, he simply nodded and wrapped his arm protectively around Gary’s waist.

“If it hurts too much, tell me,” Constantine requested with a little frown. He didn’t need Gary suffering from some new injury because he pushed himself too hard, too fast.

No, the horrors his boyfriend had faced were already enough for a lifetime.

Gary nodded then began to walk in the direction that John was leading him in. He was using Constantine as a crutch, but he felt proud to be doing something somewhat independently. At least he’d made the decision on his own.

“You’re doing so well, sweetheart,” John praised; even though he didn’t approve of how fast everything was going, he was still proud of his boyfriend.

Gary spoke up. For once, he spoke up and Constantine was glad he did.

Even if he disagreed with the decision he was making, John was proud to see him speaking up for himself.

“This is mine,” Constantine finally spoke, and Gary sagged against him with relief; maybe walking was going to be a bit harder than he expected.

The pair entered the room, and on most occasions, the former time agent would be curious and want to look around, but he ignored his surroundings completely in favor of locating the bed.

Besides, John didn’t actually keep anything in his bedroom on the Waverider; he was rarely even there anymore. Not since moving in with Gary.

As he watched Gary settle in under the blankets, Constantine’s heart broke to see him flinch and whimper with every movement.

John rushed to sit beside him on the edge of the bed.

“He really hurt you, didn’t he, squire?” he asked quietly while again running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair.

Gary had always found that soothing. At least John was capable of doing _something_.

“He didn’t…” Gary spoke up, though he trailed off immediately, as though rethinking his words.

The former time agent bit his lip and didn’t say anything for a while. He seemed embarrassed and _terrified_.

Gary was literally shaking.

“He didn’t what, my love?” Constantine prompted gently.

“You know how when we have sex, you make sure I’m ready?” Gary began awkwardly as he desperately avoided eye contact, “You know, so it’s not painful?”

John nodded, “Of course. I wouldn’t ever want to hurt you, sunshine.”

Gary’s eyes filled with tears once again.

“He didn’t seem too worried about that. He just—he just did it. And I _wasn’t_ ready.”

John’s chest ached at the new information. He had to find out who hurt him like that. He wouldn’t rest until he did.

And he wouldn’t rest until that perverted fuck was _dead_.

“I’m so sor—” Constantine stopped himself; apologies were meaningless without actions to back them up, “Oh, Gary, my love. You’re sure you don’t remember what he looks like?”

John had to know. He was _obsessed_ with obtaining the knowledge that would allow him to get revenge for Gary.

But the former time agent simply shook his head before whispering quietly, “It’s not supposed to hurt that bad; right? It still…everything still _hurts_. Like he stuck me with a knife. There was blood, Johnny. A lot.”

Constantine shook his head, his heart weeping for the love of his life. All he wanted to do was search and search until he found the man and send him to deepest depths of hell.

But Gary didn’t need those threats from his boyfriend in that moment; no, he needed kindness and gentle support.

“It’s not supposed to feel like that, sweetheart,” John confirmed quite seriously, “And I’ll _never_ hurt you like that.”

“I know,” Gary responded immediately, which made Constantine feel a bit better. At least his boyfriend wasn’t afraid of him.

He had been scared after Mick told him about his husband and the fear Leonard had towards him for hours after.

John was grateful he didn’t have to go through that. Mick was a much stronger man than he.

“Johnny, will you hold me?” Gary asked sweetly and Constantine knew that he couldn’t refuse, even if he wanted to.

“Always, squire. You don’t have to ask me twice,” John replied with a soft, (mostly) real smile as he took his boyfriend into his arms.

“Everything is going to be okay; you know that?” Constantine added genuinely before pressing his lips to Gary’s as quick and light as he could.

Gary cuddled closer to John and closed his eyes, whispering noncommittally, “…if you say so, Johnny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary finds himself being comforted by two of the most sensitive and emotionally aware people on the ship:Nate and Ray! He finds himself needing the platonic support, and ends up admitting something that not even John knows yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the comments, likes, and bookmarks. I really love reading what y'all have to say about my story. It means a lot! This chapter involves some Ray/Nate bromance which I'm always up for. I wanted to try writing in Gary's POV this chapter, so that's what inspired this!

Gary crawled out of bed around 3:30 AM, trying his hardest not to let out any whimpers of pain.

He didn’t want to wake John, not after the tumultuous night they had.

Gary knew it was a lot to handle, that _he_ was a lot to handle. 

John was constantly having to assure him that everything was okay. He had to convince him that the man couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Gary wasn’t easily convinced.

Then, he had a nightmare that felt so real, when he woke up, he could hardly breathe. Constantine had to hold him and calm him for over an hour until he fell asleep.

But that only lasted about a half an hour. Gary wasn’t sure how he was supposed to go back to normal, to sleep like everything was normal, to _act_ like everything was normal.

So, he found himself limping to the TV Mick watched football on and curled up in a comfy chair.

He picked up the remote and flicked between channels until he remembered that the ship had access to pretty much any show you desired.

“Um,” he murmured timidly, quiet enough that the Legends wouldn’t hear him, “Gideon? Could you put on Doctor Who? The first episode with David Tenant, if you can.”

“Certainly, Mr. Green. Is there anything else I can do for you?” she replied almost sympathetically, as though she really felt for the former time agent.

“No,” he whispered quietly whilst wrapping a blanket around himself.

Doctor Who was his comfort show. It was an old, reliable, consoling friend when things weren’t going the way they were supposed to.

But when the theme song started playing faintly in the distance, Gary began to cry. Softly, unlike the chest heaving sobs he had unleashed in John’s arms earlier that evening.

It was more like a quiet mourning for the trust and innocence he would never get back.

Constantine was finally asleep, worn out after a long, emotional day and Gary didn’t want to wake him simply to cry in his arms yet again.

John deserved some rest, especially considering how unwavering he was in his support and love for Gary.

“Doctor Who, huh?” Ray asked from the doorway. He was offering him a smile, but it felt like a pity smile.

The kind of smile that didn’t really _mean_ anything.

“Um, yeah,” Gary murmured in embarrassment, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Ray shrugged before offering the former time agent a bowl of popcorn. Gary raised a brow but didn’t think to question him.

“You didn’t wake me,” he assured and sat down beside Gary, “I was already working on something in the lab. When I went to the kitchen, I heard the TV. I love this show. Not as much as Nate, but still.”

Gary found himself wishing he had a best friend. Ray and Nate knew _everything_ about each other, and they always brought the other up in conversation.

John was amazing; he was _more_ than amazing. But a boyfriend wasn’t a best friend.

It wasn’t quite the same.

He wanted someone to hangout with who he never had to impress.

He wanted someone to rant to and talk to about his problems.

Constantine was always there for him, but Gary had never had a real friend in his life. He ached for a relationship like Nate and Ray’s.

“It’s true,” came the historian’s voice, interrupting Gary’s thoughts, “Action, time travel, funny accents, I mean, come on! It’s any history-obsessed, dorky kid’s dream.”

Gary smiled hesitantly; he wasn’t sure why Nate and Ray, some of the _coolest_ people he’d ever met, were speaking to him so kindly.

It felt like a little bit of what he’d been missing.

Gary felt like they could be his friends one day. 

If he didn’t scare them off. If he wasn’t too strange or weird or nerdy.

“It’s always been my favorite show,” Gary admitted, deciding that he would just go for it, simply talk to them like they were already his friends, “Even when no one really liked me, I still had the Doctor.”

Gary knew how pathetic that sounded, but it was true.

However, unlike what he was expecting, Nate and Ray didn’t make fun of him or scoff at him. They seemed to understand.

“Well, now you have us!” Ray insisted with that bright, optimistic smile of his.

It was kind of like Gary’s own smile, except Ray’s was _confident_. Ray seemed to appreciate who he was, to value himself.

Gary didn’t feel that way about himself, at all.

“And,” Nate continued off of Ray’s kindness, “you have John. He really loves you, man. Never seen him act like he does with you. He’s a bit of a douche to the rest of us.”

Gary laughed, genuinely laughed, for the first time since the attack. Nate wasn’t exactly wrong, and honestly, it made him feel special.

John treated Gary like he was _special_.

“He’s great. I love him a lot,” Gary admitted quietly, and the two Legends beamed.

They were suckers for a good romance.

“You know,” Ray suggested genuinely, “if you ever want to talk about what happened, you can; someone other than John or Ava.”

Gary had never really thought of bringing his assault up to anyone else. Why would anyone want to hear the details?

“I—I don’t know,” the former time agent admitted, “I wouldn’t want to put that burden on you guys.”

Nate frowned, saddened by Gary’s soft admission, then promised, “You can talk to us about anything. It doesn’t have to be a fun topic. You’re my time bro, remember?”

Gary’s stomach filled with butterflies; Nate _actually_ meant that? He really had a friend?

Two, by the looks of it. Ray seemed genuinely interested in helping him.

Besides, it was a lot to expect of John. He couldn’t carry all of this on his own.

“M-maybe it would be nice to talk to someone a little less…I don’t know, close to situation. I think it’s too much for Johnny sometimes,” Gary confided quietly.

Constantine would hate to hear his boyfriend talking like that. He would feel guilty and inadequate, but Gary just wanted to make sure John wasn’t getting overwhelmed.

“I get that,” Ray agreed, “We’ve got your back. Besides, I’d say that of everyone here on the ship, Nate and I are the most in tune with our emotions.”

Gary smiled; John always talked about how sensitive they were.

“Oh, no doubt,” Nate agreed, and it made Gary feel more comfortable talking to men who fully admitted to being emotional.

It made him feel like he could _really_ let everything go. He didn’t need to put up a front for anybody.

Not that John asked that of him, but sometimes he felt the need to minimize his own problems so that his boyfriend wouldn’t go on a rampage trying to hurt whoever made him upset.

Sometimes, he just wanted someone to listen and tell him that the situation sucked.

And then _not_ try to fix it.

He had a feeling Ray and Nate could be good at that.

“Okay,” Gary finally agreed, “Yeah. John needs a break, anyways. I’m pretty sure he’s scheming ways to kill my attacker in his sleep.”

“Most likely,” Nate replied, and his features darkened for a moment, “I hope John succeeds. That asshole deserves it.”

Gary was touched to see that Nate cared so much. He began to cry again.

What an unfortunate time to realize that he actually had friends. He was so upset and scared and anxious; he knew he wasn’t very much fun to be around.

“What’s wrong, buddy?” Ray asked kindly with a hand on his shoulder.

Gary swallowed hard, tightening his hold on the blanket, and whispered suddenly, “It was so scary.”

It was horrifying, in fact. The memories of the _pain_ and the _fear_ and the _disgust_ had him certain he would soon throw up.

That _monster_ made him feel like that.

Maybe Gary _did_ want John to hurt him, or even kill him. Maybe his attacker deserved it.

But Gary also knew that he didn’t actually believe that. The man who hurt him deserved Constantine’s wrath, but he wasn’t sure he deserved death.

“I can’t even imagine, Gary,” Ray sympathized gently, which made Gary even more inclined to finally get it all out in the open.

“I knew something was off with him,” Gary admitted, full of shame.

“Off with who?” Nate replied immediately, hoping that maybe he could find out the identity of the attacker.

“I—just, uh, just whoever it was that did it,” Gary replied suspiciously. The others noticed but didn’t say anything.

They felt it wouldn’t have been appropriate for either of them to ask for any information the former time agent wasn’t willing to give.

They didn’t want to scare him off or infringe on his privacy.

“I remember more than I did before,” Gary admitted a few seconds later; he wasn’t particularly good at keeping secrets.

He’d only just remembered, about an hour ago, and he was scared to admit it; to himself, let alone anybody else.

And Gary was _especially_ afraid to admit it to John.

“Do you want to tell us what you remember, or would you like it to stay private?” Nate asked with such understanding it took his breath away.

People didn’t speak to Gary like that (people who weren’t John) and it was so comforting to know that he had a choice. No one was demanding any sort of information.

“Do you promise not to tell Johnny?” Gary questioned with desperation in his eyes, “I—I’m going to tell him, I swear. Just…not yet. Not when he’s already so _furious_.”

“Okay,” Ray agreed, “As long as you don’t plan on telling us something that could affect your immediate health or safety.”

Nate nodded his firm accord before kindly outstretching a hand and placing it on Gary’s other shoulder.

It was comforting, that platonic physical contact.

“Okay. I, uh, I remember who did it. I just realized it before I went to bed,” Gary admitted and both Nate and Ray stiffened.

“So, you know him?” Ray questioned quietly, hoping that wasn’t the case.

He couldn’t imagine being betrayed like that by someone he knew.

Gary nodded as he wiped away the tears pouring down his cheeks. He was tired of crying, and he just wanted his tears to dry, _just_ for an hour.

He didn’t like feeling so weak.

“His name is Ethan. H-he’s in my D&D campaign. I thought we were friends, or at least pleasant acquaintances,” Gary murmured, and he was so embarrassed he thought he could die.

“I’m so sorry, Gary. Truly, I am,” Nate replied with a heavy heart.

“I went out to a bar to celebrate my friend’s birthday; John wasn’t there. Ethan was the one who kept bringing us our drinks and he must have slipped something in then,” Gary remembered vaguely.

Though he could see some parts of the night so clearly, there was a lot still blank because of the drugs.

“I couldn’t stand after those drinks and he took me to the bathroom. I—I fought, though probably not well. I was so _weak_. Ethan, he fought back. He hit me hard until I was on the ground. And then he—” Gary stopped himself, unwilling to finish the sentence.

But Nate and Ray knew exactly what he was going to say, without him ever saying it.

Gary was trembling, wishing more than anything that he could disappear. Wishing that he could go back to when he didn’t remember anything.

Then, Nate and Ray wrapped him up in their strong, superhero arms and promised they would protect him from then on.

He felt safe, actually, genuinely _safe_.

Who would mess with two, muscular guys with superpowers?

Who would mess with Sara or Ava, the strongest, most powerful warriors he knew of?

Who would mess with a warlock capable of sending you to _hell_? 

“Gary, things are going to be okay, now,” Ray insisted, “Everyone on this ship cares about keeping you safe.”

“ _Everyone_?” Gary mumbled in shock, eyes wide with hope and a childlike innocence that was somehow still present, despite everything the former time agent had been through.

“Yeah, sweetheart,” Constantine spoke up from the doorway, “Everyone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What does John know? How much did he hear? Find out next chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Constantine is jealous and Gary is confused. They find solace in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey buddies! This chapter will have lots of self doubt, for both Gary and John. This chapter is also back in Constantine's POV. I think I'll just be switching POVs in chapters whenever it feels right. I'll keep posting in as timely a manner as I can with school and everything. Hope everyone is staying safe.

“J-Johnny?” Gary stammered with a terrified look on his face. Constantine barely noticed it; he was so angry.

The warlock crossed his arms over his chest and glared at all three of them.

It hurt him that Gary trusted people he barely knew over his own bloody boyfriend.

Was he really so unreliable? So untrustworthy?

Maybe in the past, but he thought things could be different with Gary. _He_ was different with Gary.

“How much did you hear?” the former time agent murmured, sounding both guilty and ashamed.

John felt like a right bastard for a moment, knowing he was the one responsible for putting that look on Gary’s face, but he could be a very angry man and sometimes, he lost control.

“Oh, just enough to know that you trust this pair of idiots more than your own bloody _boyfriend_!” Constantine spat. 

He hated that he could never let things go. Hated the fact that he never bothered to see things from anyone else’s point of view. Yet, he couldn’t seem to stop.

“John,” Ray warned, “don’t be like this. He doesn’t need it right n—”

“Now, where the _fuck_ do you two get off telling me what he needs? What, all of a sudden you give a shite? I know what he needs,” Constantine fought back before turning his attention to Gary.

“And _you_ should have come to me first.”

The former time agent seemed to shrink into himself and again, John felt that familiar, sinking feeling of guilt.

He could be such a cunt.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Gary tried sweetly, though there was a hint of desperation in his voice.

Constantine wished he’d said this:

_“Don’t be sorry, love. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t be pushing you to share anything with me that you aren’t comfortable sharing.”_

Instead, John snapped at Gary viciously, “I am _not_ your baby, right now.”

“John,” Gary begged weakly as a sob built up in his chest.

Constantine never felt like more of a bastard than he did in that moment.

Those bloody outbursts of anger were part of the reason he knew it would never be safe for someone to love him.

He could be such a beast.

When he behaved the way he did, John knew he deserved the eternity in hell that was waiting for him.

“Did you ever think,” Nate cut in furiously, “that maybe he didn’t tell you because this is how you react when things don’t go your way?”

Though logically Constantine understood exactly what Nate was saying, he couldn’t think straight.

He was so fucking _jealous_ of Ray and Nate.

“Why don’t you just _piss off_!” John yelled, knowing he was taking things too far, knowing Gary probably wouldn’t even want to look at him anymore.

“Please stop,” Gary whimpered as a sob escaped him.

Everyone grew silent.

Constantine, feeling foolish and at fault, rushed to Gary’s side.

“I—I’m so sorry, love, I don’t know what came over me. I was just being a jealous bastard,” John admitted after quickly coming to his senses, “But it won’t happen again, I promise.”

He was being bloody ridiculous.

He was being _selfish_.

There was a fierceness in Gary’s eyes that John had only seen when he was possessed by Neron.

Not nearly as bad, but it was there; Gary was fuming.

“Go away, John,” he demanded as he quickly wiped his tears from his cheeks.

He wanted to appear strong, Constantine knew he did.

John was stunned; Gary always forgave him almost instantly, sometimes without ever hearing a real apology.

He’d never told the warlock to bugger off like that.

“I—” John trailed off, unsure of what to do to fix things, “Are you sure, squire?”

Gary huffed, frustrated by the use of the nickname he’d always loved.

“Yes, John. Leave me alone,” the former time agent insisted before determinedly avoiding eye contact.

Constantine felt his chest constrict.

He may have messed everything up for good.

But he couldn’t live without Gary, couldn’t even imagine it.

“I’ll leave, my love. But I need you to know that I didn’t mean to hurt you,” John said urgently, _needing_ his boyfriend to believe him.

Suddenly, Gary turned back to face John and frustratedly shouted, “I’m allowed to have friends!”

The sudden announcement shocked him.

Did Gary really believe that he didn’t want him to have any friends?

Though, with his little eruption from before, he wouldn’t be shocked if his boyfriend actually _did_ believe that.

“Of course you can have friends, sweetheart,” Constantine agreed adamantly in a desperate attempt to reassure Gary, “I want you to have friends. I never meant to imply that you couldn’t.”

“Then why are you so jealous?” the former time agent countered suspiciously.

John’s cheeks reddened in embarrassment; he was so self-conscious sometimes.

“B-because,” he started quietly, pretending Ray and Nate weren’t there to hear him, “because if you have to go to them first, it means I’m not doing a good enough job. It means I’m not making things any better.”

Constantine paused for a moment before admitting in a small voice, “I’m supposed to be able to take care of you.”

Gary’s whole demeanor changed; he turned much softer and offered John a kind look.

“Johnny, that’s not what’s happening. I didn’t tell you first because I was afraid of burdening you with too much. You’re going to drown under all this pressure, and I worry about you,” Gary revealed as he took his boyfriend’s hand in his own.

Constantine had never been so grateful in his life for a simple touch of the hands.

“Gary, I’m fine,” John insisted, though he knew that wasn’t entirely the case, “The only person you need to worry about right now is yourself.”

Constantine meant it; he didn’t care about being “burdened” by his boyfriend’s needs. He _wasn’t_ being burdened.

John wanted nothing more than to protect Gary, no matter what.

“Come here, Johnny,” Gary insisted gently while gesturing to the space beside him, “Come sit with me.”

Constantine nodded eagerly, beyond thankful that his boyfriend didn’t seem to be mad at him anymore.

Nate looked at Ray and they both nodded, apparently able to read each other’s minds.

John wouldn’t be surprised if they actually could.

“Well, goodnight, Gary,” Nate offered kindly, “Let me know if you need anything.”

“You too, John,” Ray chimed in, ever the polite and forgiving man. He offered him a smile that didn’t even look fake.

Constantine would never understand how the Legends could be so damn forgiving. But he was glad they were.

“I’m really sorry for making you upset,” John murmured while avoiding eye contact, “My goddamn temper is so fucking ugly sometimes. I’ll work on it, though. Really.”

“I believe you, Johnny,” Gary replied quietly before wrapping his arms around Constantine’s waist.

The warlock froze for only a second before he gathered his boyfriend up in his arms and rubbed his back gently.

He hated thinking about everything Gary had been through in just a day. John wasn’t sure what he would do if he was in his boyfriend’s shoes.

Probably be a complete and total mess.

“So…” John trailed off, unsure of how to pose his question without making things infinitely worse, “So it was that prick that brought you home, then. That’s the fucker who hurt you?”

Gary nodded, then turned his focus towards a loose string on his shirt. 

He looked embarrassed and ashamed, which was completely insane since Gary was the absolute last person in this scenario who should feel that way.

“Christ, I can’t believe it. The nerve of that wanker, to bring you back home like he hadn’t done a bloody thing. Acting like he’s so innocent, like he’s the fucking _hero_ , bringing you back to me,” Constantine spat with that same familiar rage churning in his stomach.

He wanted to kill him. He had to kill him. He fucking _needed_ to.

“I know,” Gary agreed uncomfortably, then softly admitted, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was just afraid of you doing something rash.

John swallowed, immediately feeling guilty, because Gary was right; he _was_ planning to do something rash.

Maybe he’d just never tell Gary about it.

“The bloke’s a bloody demon, love. He’s worse than the ones from hell. I won’t let him get away with what he did to you,” Constantine promised darkly, but Gary didn’t respond.

He seemed to be somewhere else entirely.

“I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I let him into my house,” Gary finally murmured with a shudder, “More than once, Johnny. I played D&D with him. When you moved in with me, he was the second person I called.”

Gary let out a soft whimper before continuing, “I thought maybe he was my friend. That _someone_ could be my friend, but he just used me…like I was _nothing_. Like I’m just an object or a toy.”

The admission from his love infuriated John. How _dare_ that bloody prick make Gary feel like that. Like an _object_ , for god’s sake. The whole thing was maddening.

“I don’t know how someone could do something like that, squire, I really don’t. I have no idea what would possess someone to do something so despicable to someone they called a friend,” John admitted quietly because he didn’t.

Why the fuck would Ethan do that to his sweet, gentle boyfriend?

“Maybe this whole thing was my fault,” Gary whispered, and John tensed at the completely inaccurate statement that he hoped his boyfriend didn’t actually believe.

“That’s not true, my love,” Constantine insisted, but Gary simply shrugged.

“Maybe I led him on, you know?”

John was in shock, his heart racing at the idea that Gary could possibly believe something so completely _wrong_.

“Are you serious, sweetheart? You actually, genuinely believe this?” Constantine asked in horror, hoping that this was some kind of sick joke.

Of course it wasn’t, but he’d rather it be some stupid, terrible joke than the actual truth.

Gary shifted awkwardly and tried not to look too ashamed.

“…Yes,” the former time agent finally admitted, and John felt like he had been punched in the gut.

“How could any of this be your fault, Gary?” Constantine questioned gently.

“W—we would always hang out,” his boyfriend mumbled, cheeks reddening with shame.

John shook his head, too shocked to speak, before he finally managed to make sense of his thoughts.

“Gary, he was your _friend_. Of course you would hang out with him. That’s not leading him on, sweetheart. I promise,” Constantine insisted, yet his boyfriend’s face didn’t change.

He didn’t believe John for a second.

“Maybe Ethan thought I was,” Gary fought back.

Constantine paused for a minute, then countered evenly, “Alright, fine, let’s say you’re right. Even if he thought you were flirting with him, even if you actually _were_ flirting with him, it would not give him an excuse to do what he did to you.”

Gary looked at him with such sadness in his eyes. John could tell that his boyfriend wanted to believe him, was dying to, but he just _couldn’t_.

So, John kept going, “He _drugged_ you, Gary. He had the whole thing planned out. He is an _evil_ man.”

Gary just shrugged again, before mumbling, almost unheard, “I wore those stupid, tight jeans. I was asking for it.”

Constantine’s breath hitched.

He was so angry, but that time, he was mostly infuriated with himself.

John was the one who brought up his “tight jeans,” the night of the attack. He was probably the very reason Gary was so insistent that the whole thing was his own fault.

_Fuck_.

“Gary, darling, you are _never_ asking for it,” Constantine urged passionately, “You could have walked into that bar bloody naked and it wouldn’t give anyone the right to touch you without your consent!”

John reached out and brought his fingers up to his boyfriend’s face as he gently caressed his cheekbone.

Luckily, Gary didn’t pull away. Instead, he kissed Constantine’s palm then nuzzled his face against the warlock’s hand.

It was the most meaningful kiss of John’s whole life.

“I know I was stupid, love, when I said what I said before you went out.” Constantine murmured with a heart weighed down by guilt. “I didn’t mean that he had the right to…to take advantage of you. I didn’t mean that anyone had the right.”

“I—I meant it as a compliment, but that doesn’t even matter. I said something awful and I’m so sor—”

John didn’t get a chance to finish his pleading apology because Gary interrupted him with a confused look on his face.

“Johnny, I’m sorry but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Constantine shook his head; he didn’t deserve Gary’s forgiveness. At the very least, John needed to fully apologize first.

“When—you know, when I said that hundreds of men would want to get into your pants,” John whispered with a deep red blush on his cheeks, “Fuck, Gary, I’m disgusting. Why do I say things like that?”

To John’s surprise, Gary actually smiled. He had no clue why; maybe his boyfriend didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.

“Squire, I put those thoughts in your mind,” Constantine urged as though it were intentional.

It was completely unintentional. God, John would take it all back if he could.

“No, you didn’t,” Gary debated immediately, “Those thoughts came from my own mind. When you said that, you were being sweet. You were flirting. You made me feel confident. Besides, how could you have possibly known what was going to happen later on?”

Constantine sat still, simply contemplating the fact that he was the luckiest fool there ever was, when Gary continued on adoringly.

“You know, John, you were the first man who ever treated me with any sort of respect,” he admitted quietly, with tears in his eyes, “I know you would _never_ tell me, or even imply, that what happened to me was my fault.”

John was touched; no one had ever trusted him so much in his life.

Not even Desmond.

“No one has the right to force themselves on you like that,” Constantine said firmly, “ _No one_. You don’t owe anybody a bloody thing, love.”

Gary smiled, then cut in, completely obliviously, “Except for you, obviously.”

John was positive his heart stopped beating for a minute.

“Sorry, what?” the warlock questioned, throat dry and chest tight.

Constantine couldn’t bear to even consider what Gary meant.

“You know, as your boyfriend it’s my job to…uh, keep you satisfied, I guess,” the former time agent spoke, getting less and less confident when he saw the way John seemed to deflate as he spoke.

“Gary, love, that is _not_ true,” Constantine insisted as he drew his boyfriend closer in his arms.

Did Gary have sex with him out of obligation?

Did he feel like he _had_ to?

“I—I don’t mean it in a bad way!” the former time agent quickly explained, “I want to! I like to. I—I like to have sex with you.”

John felt like the whole room was spinning. Gary literally did not understand how concerning his thought process was.

Someone taught his boyfriend that he wasn’t ever allowed to say no.

“I’m sorry, John,” Gary pleaded, though he didn’t seem to fully understand why what he said was so distressing to his boyfriend.

“You don’t need to be, love. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Constantine comforted because really, Gary _hadn’t_ done anything wrong.

He just didn’t understand what a healthy relationship looked like.

“I don’t know when I’ll be comfortable with being intimate again,” Gary murmured carefully, watching John’s face closely to see if he was upset.

John didn’t mind at all. Sex was the last thing on his mind, truthfully.

“Most likely soon!” Gary continued almost desperately, “But—I’m just not sure, Johnny. A-and if you need to find someone new, I completely underst—”

“Hey,” Constantine cut in with a soft look on his face and fingers running through his boyfriend’s hair, “I would never leave you because of this. You mean more to me than what you can give me physically.”

“Believe me when I say this, sweetheart: you can say no to me _whenever you want_ ,” John continued candidly, “I won’t get mad, I swear.”

“We can still do other stuff,” Gary insisted as he wiped the tears from his eyes, “You know, like what we did when I was still a virgin. I think…I’m not sure how I’ll react, honestly, but…”

“Sweetheart?” Constantine sighed kindly, “It’s been _one day_ since you were attacked. You don’t need to worry about this right now. We will figure it out together when it’s the right for _you_ , squire, and no one else.”

Gary looked away before admitting quietly, “I just don’t want you to lose interest.”

John felt so guilty he wanted to simply disappear and sink into the ground.

It made sense that Gary would feel that way. After all, Constantine used to be known for fucking anything that moved.

_Used to be_ was the key phrase.

When Gary came into his life, John didn’t feel the need for anyone but him.

“Gary, love, you are the most interesting person I’ve ever met,” Constantine teased with a grin before turning serious, “You’re my sunshine, Gar. I could never lose interest in you.”

Gary smiled, big and proud and _real_ , for the first time since the incident and he planted a kiss against John’s cheek.

“I love you, Gary. And you don’t have to do anything to keep me loving you. Not a damn thing, my darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep an eye out for the next chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is on a mission. Sara tries to stop him and Gary is asleep the whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little darker of a chapter. Poor John is struggling and is desperate for revenge. I included some stern, Captain Sara in there because we all know she's typically the one that's right. Thanks for keeping up with this story, it's been useful for distracting me during these awful times. I hope everyone is healthy and safe!

Gary was asleep when John really started contemplating his feelings towards the whole situation.

He’d heard more than enough to make him livid. Especially when Gary started claiming that he deserved his assault.

That bloody bastard made his boyfriend feel that way. 

Constantine decided that the only thing to do was to deal with that tosser, especially while Gary was asleep.

His boyfriend didn’t need to worry about any of the ugly stuff; he didn’t need to know about it because John would keep him safe.

So he left the bedroom as quietly as he could, stealing a glance at his boyfriend who had always looked so gorgeous when he slept. Then, he started looking for a way out.

“What’s wrong, John?” Sara asked, surprising him, causing him to jump and look guilty as _hell_.

Constantine glanced up, unsure of where to even begin, before he began ranting, seemingly unable to stop himself.

“I’ll fucking kill the bastard! I will, Sara, and I won’t have you or anyone stopping me, either. He should burn in _hell_ for what he did! To Gary, of all people! He’s so innocent and _naïve_. Ethan picked the person he knew wouldn’t know how to fight back and that makes him an evil, bloody _coward_!”

By the end of his statement, John was pacing back and forth, releasing his frustration to the one friend he really had.

Sara put a gentle hand on his shoulder and offered a sad, sympathetic smile.

“I’d feel the exact same, you know I would,” she agreed woefully, though there was a look on her face suggesting that there may be a catch.

“ _But_?” the warlock pushed with a roll of his eyes.

He didn’t need anyone telling him what to do.

“But,” Sara continued, “is getting revenge really what Gary needs right now?”

“Piss off, Sara, I don’t understand how you Legends suddenly know what _my_ boyfriend needs,” Constantine huffed in annoyance as he pushed his fingers through his hair frustratedly.

“Gary is a lover, John,” the captain explained with a little shrug, “not a fighter and we both know it.”

_How fucking ridiculous_ , Constantine thought with a huff.

Just because Gary was a good person, that meant he didn’t deserve protection? That he didn’t deserve revenge?

_Bollocks_.

“You know,” John argued petulantly, Mick killed his husband’s abuser, he told me himself!”

Sara seemed horrified, truly and genuinely upset by his statement, and then Constantine remembered that Mick’s husband was on the original team.

That Leonard guy was probably her friend.

Maybe she’d finally understand his anger towards Gary’s attacker.

“ _Leonard_ was raped?” she asked quietly with a forlorn look on her face.

Clearly, Sara was close to the guy. John almost felt bad for bringing him up.

Almost.

Constantine softened for a moment, “Apparently, love. Sorry to tell you like this.”

The former assassin seemed trapped in her own thoughts before looking up to the ceiling of the large spaceship and murmuring, “I’m so sorry, Leonard. I wish I would have known. I wish I could’ve helped you. And Mick.”

John felt awkward, knowing he was interrupting what felt like a sacred moment, or something. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to leave or stay.

But the warlock had one mission: get back Gary’s time courier or permission to use the jump ship to go home, find where that Ethan twat lived, and beat the life out of him.

That was the plan and it needed to be executed.

So Constantine continued his attempt to convince Sara, hoping that the news about Leonard would make her see things his way.

“The big man burned the bloke that touched him to a crisp, as he right and well should have,” John revealed, nodding his head with approval.

Mick was a person who knew how to take care of things and protect the man he loved.

Sara sighed, seeming torn for a moment before holding firm on her original stance.

“Leonard wasn’t the same as Gary. He was tough, a violent criminal. He had murdered people _himself_. Violence was almost a love language for Mick and Len,” she explained fondly; she clearly missed him, “Gary is gentle. He needs care, not rage.”

Constantine was deeply offended by what felt like an accusation.

“What, so now I’m fucking mad at him, too? Bollocks, Sara, that’s absolute nonsense!” John began to yell before remembering that Gary was still asleep.

“Of course you aren’t mad at Gary,” Sara pacified, “Why would I think that you are?”

Constantine shrugged with a scowl and crossed his arms over his chest, determinedly not answering her question.

Sara nearly rolled her eyes though she stopped herself, not wanting to make the warlock any angrier.

“I know you want revenge, John; I see how much you love Gary,” the captain said gently, “If someone did this to Ava, I’d want to kill them with my bare hands. _But_ I don’t know if that would actually help her, and I certainly don’t think it would help Gary.”

John bristled, annoyed by what felt like a patronizing tone.

How in the bloody hell would she know what Gary needs?

She’s barely said more than a couple sentences to him the whole time they’d known each other.

“I am doing this to _protect_ him,” Constantine seethed, eyes narrowing when Sara shook her head ever so slightly.

“Are you, though? Or are you doing it to make yourself feel better?” Sara posed with a stern look on her face and John wanted nothing more than to produce a quick spell to shut her up until he made it off the ship.

But he didn’t do that because it would be incredibly wrong and because he kind of hated acting like such a dick all the time.

“Sara?” he finally said calmly, “I don’t really give a _fuck_ what you think. I just need Gary’s time courier back. I’d prefer you simply give it to me, but I have no problem taking it, if that’s what it comes down to.”

The former assassin actually chuckled and poured the both of them drinks.

“I’m not giving you that time courier, John,” she said calmly, as if it were obvious, “It’s not yours, by the way. It’s his and he never gave you permission to use it.”

Constantine felt guilty for a moment, but quickly ignored his feelings.

John had to do whatever it took to keep his boyfriend safe.

And Gary wouldn’t be safe until that creep was dead.

“Also, you know I could take you any day or night, so I wouldn’t start by threatening me.”

Constantine shook his head, breathing in deeply, before realizing that he was getting nowhere with Sara. He figured he’d cut his losses and hopefully find help elsewhere.

“…Fine,” he lied, “You’re right, love.”

Sara softened and put a hand on his shoulder, “I don’t wanna be. I’m so sorry, John. I really am.”

Suddenly, the warlock felt a surge of rage all over again, and he couldn’t stop the bitter sarcasm coming from his lips.

“Yeah, it’s bloody fine, alright?” he spat fiercely, “Just do me a favor and _leave me alone_ , will you, pet?”

Sara looked away, disappointed in John’s angry response. She was only telling him the truth, yet he was fighting back at her with such resentment.

“Sure,” she finally sighed, fingers pressing down on her forehead to relieve some pressure, “I can do that.”

_Apologize to Sara later_ , John told himself before rushing down the hall to Mick’s bedroom, desperate for him to open the door.

He was certain the arsonist would be the only one to sympathize with his plight and actually offer him help.

However, when Mick didn’t answer, he was shocked to find Zari slipping the time courier in the palm of his hand.

Constantine wanted to ask _why_ she was helping him, but she simply lifted a finger to her lips before walking away.

John waited one second longer before stepping through the portal to the bar where Gary had been so brutally attacked.

It was nice enough; he couldn’t picture Gary actually enjoying himself at a place like that, though. He only went because his friends convinced him to.

The same “friends” who didn’t notice that Gary was fucking _drugged and missing_ for hours. The same “friends” who didn’t realize that Ethan was trying to attack him.

_Friends_.

Yeah, right.

Constantine knew he wouldn’t be able to find any clues on his own; he was too emotionally invested, and his judgement was clouded.

So he made his way up to the bartender to ask some questions.

“Hello, love,” John flattered the bartender, though he appeared to be a bit put off by the overly familiar language.

Constantine toned it down, speaking to him like most people speak to strangers, “My boyfriend was here a few nights ago with a bunch of nerds to celebrate someone’s birthday. Do you remember that?”

The man behind the bar rolled his eyes and didn’t even look up from the glass he was cleaning.

“Look, if you’re trying to find out if he cheated on you, I don’t get involved with any of that bullshit,” the bartender replied, clearly disinterested and just about ready to tell John to piss off.

John could feel himself getting impatient and growing agitated.

“He didn’t cheat—whatever, I just need to know if you remember a man, slim with, uh, red hair, I think?” he questioned, not entirely sure if he was getting all the details right, “Taking a clearly drugged, dark haired man with glasses, to the bathroom.”

“Fuck, dude, did you just say drugged?” the man asked nervously.

“Yes, I did,” the warlock informed harshly, “So you remember, then?”

“I mean, yeah,” the bartender realized, “Ethan’s a regular. Didn’t realize he was capable of something like that, though. I would have stopped him if I knew what was going on. Truly.”

Constantine almost laughed; he didn’t give fuck about hypotheticals. The bartender could have stopped Ethan, but he _didn’t_. That was all there was to it.

“Yeah, that’s swell, mate, but I need you to tell me where he lives,” John demanded.

“Uh, I don’t know about that,” the man replied nervously, “That’s against policy, to give out customer information like that.”

Constantine felt that same, uncontrollable fury rise in his chest again.

Why was it that _nobody_ seemed to understand what a bloody big deal the whole thing was?

Did they not realize that his boyfriend was _beaten_ and _sexually assaulted_?

How could everyone seem so goddamn cavalier about the whole thing?

“Listen up, son,” John demanded ferociously, “My boyfriend was _raped_ in this bar, do you understand me? I’m fairly certain that having something like that happen in _your_ bar is ‘against policy,’ aye?”

The warlock was breathing hard as he prepared himself for a fight.

Anyone who got in the way of him and that Ethan sod would simply be collateral damage.

Not that he would kill the guy. He wasn’t a monster.

Was he?

However, Constantine didn’t have to fight at all.

The bartender swallowed hard, looked around to ensure he wouldn’t get in trouble, then pulled out a book with the regular patrons’ phone numbers, emails, and home addresses.

There was no way things were going to be that easy.

“This is him,” the man admitted while pointing to the address listed for Ethan, “He lives maybe a five-minute walk from here.”

John no longer cared about the bartender; the man had given him everything he needed.

“Cheers, mate,” Constantine murmured distractedly.

He dropped a relatively large tip in the jar and rushed out, ignoring anything the bartender may or may not have said while he was on his way out.

John knew the street where Ethan lived. He realized that he’d actually been there himself a few times, when Gary managed to drag him to D&D.

_“I thought you liked to play with me?” Gary had asked with puppy dog eyes when Constantine yet again refused to go to one of his friend’s houses to play Dungeons and Dragons._

_“Sweetheart, my life is Dungeons and Dragons,” John insisted with a smile, “You’re basically asking me to go to work for fun.”_

_“Come on,_ please,” _Gary had requested, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout, “Go with me, baby. Maybe we can roleplay in a different way after we’ve finished.”_

_“Gary Green, are you using sex to persuade me to do what you want?” Constantine asked with a devious smirk as he pulled his boyfriend close and began pressing kisses down his neck._

_“D-depends,” he stammered out his response while melting into John’s touch, “Is it working?”_

_“It just might be, squire.”_

And that was how John wound up at Ethan’s for the first time, half hard and hanging all over Gary.

Constantine couldn’t stop thinking about how his boyfriend had used sex to convince him to do something he wanted to do.

No wonder Gary thought he owed John his body. It was apparently the only way Gary got the warlock to do something _he_ wanted to do.

Sometimes, Constantine couldn’t _stand_ himself.

But he didn’t know that Gary felt that way. Not before last night.

He didn’t know that his boyfriend felt he was responsible for having sex with John whenever he wanted it.

The thoughts had John spiraling in a direction he couldn’t afford to go in at that moment.

He could hate himself later. He could even hate himself now. But he needed to hate Ethan more.

He needed to get the job done.

Every step, he thought about what he would say, what he would _do_.

Would he actually kill him?

Would Gary be mad at him if he did?

Would John be able to live with himself if he _didn’t_?

The questions clouding Constantine’s mind abruptly dispersed when he found himself standing in front of Ethan’s house.

All he could think of was Gary the night it happened.

The bruises, the blood, those goddamn hickies and _bite marks_ all over him.

He could see his ruffled clothing, his glasses all askew.

He saw deep scratches; too deep for any sort of consensual sex, at least where Gary was concerned.

Gary never liked it _that_ rough.

He saw the blood staining his jeans.

He heard the moans of his unconscious love, crying out in pain.

He felt Gary sobbing into his chest about how much everything _hurt_ , how much he was suffering.

_“I thought maybe he was my friend.”_

_“He just used me…like I was nothing.”_

_“Maybe this whole thing was my fault.”_

_“I remember his hands, John. His fucking hands.”_

_“W-why does everything hurt so bad?”_

It was settled then; John was going to kill that motherfucker. No question about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally decided there will be 10 chapters, so 3 more after this one!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's in an extremely dark place and struggling to decide how to deal with the man who hurt his Gary so badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I wanted to post chapters 7&8 close together because I feel like they really go together and could even be read like one long chapter. Warning, this chapter gets dark. John's in emotional turmoil and all he wants is revenge. However, from this chapter on, things will be looking up for both John and Gary! Hope you're all staying safe and physically&mentally healthy! As always, thanks for the support!

Constantine pounded on the door so hard he knew it was going to leave bruises on his fist.

He didn’t care.

He didn’t care about anything other than vengeance for Gary.

“Jesus Christ,” the voice of Ethan cried out irritably, “I’m _coming_!”

John swallowed back the flood of insults in his mind, knowing he would save them for once they were inside the house.

Once he could _really_ show that little fuck what’s what.

As soon as the door was opened, John shoved Ethan back against the wall, hands fisting in his shirt to keep him firmly in place.

That smug, arrogant, little _cunt_.

He was gonna show him.

“J-John?” the slight man voiced with an air of faux innocence, “You’re Gary’s boyfriend, right?”

Constantine took a deep breath, hating the way Ethan said his love’s name.

So casually, like he hadn’t just ruined Gary’s life.

Like he hadn’t dragged him to a bathroom and raped him while he couldn’t move an inch to defend himself.

“Don’t you _ever_ say his name again,” John warned dangerously, “Do you understand me? And don’t you _fucking_ test me because it’s taking every bit of strength I have in me _not_ to kill you where you stand, son.”

Ethan’s eyebrows shot up and he had the nerve to look shocked.

Christ, it was like that wanker _wanted_ to get killed.

“I—what?” the red head asked, lower lip quivering.

Guess he wasn’t so tough when the other person wasn’t lying on the ground, barely conscious.

John, enraged by the way he was acting, punched Ethan square in the nose, then immediately pushed him back against the wall.

Hurting him was satisfying, extremely so.

But it wasn’t _enough_.

“What the fuck man!” Ethan cried out, suddenly indignant as he struggled against John, “Why would you do that?”

Constantine laughed, bitter and hollow, before finally exploding.

“Are you _daft_?” he questioned, eyes narrowed and fists clenching, “You know, I’m getting real bloody tired of you playing dumb with me.”

Ethan looked away, his anger slipping away into fear.

But not guilt.

No, that tosser didn’t appear guilty for even a second.

All he cared about was himself. 

Clearly.

And that’s what _really_ pushed John over the edge.

“You put your _filthy_ hands on Gary, and you fucking drugged and raped him,” John hissed, eyes flashing menacingly, “Do you remember that, you goddamn perverted creep?”

Ethan froze, face paling as his breaths turned rapid.

The pace of his breathing reminded Constantine of the way Gary was breathing after he found out what Ethan did to him.

_“I—I can’t,”_ his boyfriend had gasped desperately, unable to catch his breath, _“Johnny, please.”_

So, he didn’t feel sorry for Ethan. Not for one bloody second.

“Admit it, you motherfucker,” John demanded fiercely, “Admit what you did to him.”

Ethan foolishly opened his mouth, saying the absolute worst thing he possibly could.

“John, he’s overreacting.”

The words were so diminishing, so _patronizing_ that the warlock could feel the little control he had left slipping away.

He would not allow some little twat to gaslight his boyfriend.

Not anymore.

“You son of a bitch!” he hissed before punching the red head again, that time harder, leaving the small man bloodier than before.

_Good._

“Why don’t we try this again?” Constantine ordered ferociously, “ _Admit what you did_.”

John just wanted to hear him say it.

He wanted Ethan to have to face what he’d done, and he wanted the guilt of it to eat him alive for every second of the time he had left on Earth.

But with the way John was feeling, that time would most likely be coming to an end very shortly.

“I…” Ethan began, and Constantine prepared himself to hear the details from the man himself.

“So, I gave him some acid and he was totally out of it. I mean, he came on to me, bro. Sorry.”

John could have screamed; instead he punched the wall right near the slight man’s head.

Constantine’s voice became cold, calculated, and that’s when he knew there was no coming back.

He was going to kill that fucking bastard.

“I see,” he replied almost robotically, “That must be why the doctor told us that the drug in Gary’s system was a _date rape drug_. You know, I may be wrong but I’m pretty sure you can’t come on to someone if you’ve lost the ability to _move_.”

Ethan’s eyes were darting around the building in search of an escape.

There wasn’t one; John would make sure of it.

Finally, the smaller man spoke up bitterly, “He _wanted_ it. I know he did, the way he always acts around me.”

“I better be mishearing things, Ethan,” Constantine said coolly, “Because if you just said what I think you said, then you’ll be dead by the end of this conversation, mate.”

“You only have his side of the story,” Ethan argued as though that was a suitable argument.

“Okay. Then what’s your side?”

The red head fidgeted, clearly realizing he didn’t have any excuses and John sneered.

“Thought so. If Gary ‘wanted it,’ as you pointed out, then why did you have to drug him? Why did you have to beat him?”

Ethan shifted uncomfortably with tears in his eyes.

How dare he play the victim.

“I already know what happened, Ethan,” Constantine said firmly, “I don’t need you to admit it to me because Gary’s already explained more than enough. But the least you could do is admit it for Gary, who hasn’t stopped crying in the last 48 hours. Who seems to believe this whole thing is his own fault, though I’m beginning to understand why.”

Ethan simply shrugged, avoiding eye contact and clearly hoping John would show him mercy.

That wasn’t likely.

“So, don’t you _dare_ tell me he ‘wanted’ this, you fucking freak.”

Finally, Ethan blurted out, “What do you want, then? Money? Because I can give you money.”

The warlock’s eyes narrowed, “No, I don’t need your money, thanks. You know, the only thing I need from you is to watch you suffer.”

Ethan sobbed, begging Constantine not to hurt him.

John felt nothing.

“Truthfully,” he admitted almost gleefully, “I’m trying to decide if I’m going to kill you, now.”

The look on the red head’s face had Constantine smiling.

He was so _afraid_.

He deserved it. He deserved to feel that fucking _fear_.

He’d put Gary through enough of it to last a lifetime.

“Hmm,” John continued to toy with him, “See, on one hand, I don’t want to do anything to upset Gary; of course I don’t. However, _I_ think you deserve to be rotting in hell, so I’m sure you see my dilemma.”

“Please, Johnny.”

Constantine suddenly heard Gary’s voice and he whipped around to see his love stepping out of a time portal.

_Ava._

He completely forgot about her time courier.

“Go back, love, you shouldn’t have to see this,” John murmured.

He knew that what he was doing wasn’t what Gary wanted, but maybe it was what he deserved.

Maybe he _deserved_ to have someone protect him in such a manner.

Constantine could do that for him.

He was more than willing to.

“Come on, baby,” Gary pleaded, “I know that you’re upset, and you have every right to be. But if you kill him, I’m going to feel guilty about it for the rest of my life.”

John felt like his heart stopped beating.

He couldn’t do that to Gary.

He couldn’t make him feel that guilt. John _knew_ that feeling intimately and he lived with it every day. He couldn’t do that to his boyfriend.

But maybe he could convince the former time agent that he didn’t have to feel that way.

“You don’t need to feel guilty, sweetheart,” Constantine promised, “I’m the one doing it.”

He noticed Ethan glancing over his shoulder at Gary, and he became enraged again.

“Don’t you fucking look at him!” John shouted fiercely and then, seemingly on its own volition; his hand wrapped around Ethan’s throat.

Gary rushed to Constantine’s side and started to tug at his arm.

“I may not be the one doing it, but you’re doing it _for me_!” Gary cried fearfully, “ _Please_ , Johnny! Just let him go!”

And at that, the spell over John seemed to be broken.

He removed his hand from Ethan’s throat, but kept him pushed up against the wall.

Gary, relieved that things seemed a bit more contained, began to rub Constantine’s back soothingly.

He murmured softly in his ear, “I know how much you love me, you know. You don’t have to prove it to me. You’re a _good_ man, John. I know you are. Don’t kill him. Not for Ethan’s sake, or even mine, but for your own. When you kill, it breaks you apart, baby. I’ve been with you through enough nightmares.”

_John woke up drenched in sweat for the third night in a row._

_He must have screamed because Gary woke up, too, and it seemed he’d already made John some tea, just the way he liked it._

_Gary sat on the corner of the bed with John’s head in his lap._

_Constantine hated to be weak in front of anyone, but with his boyfriend, he felt like he could let his guard down just a little._

_Gary didn’t mention the tears sliding down John’s cheeks, he just wiped them away._

_He didn’t ask if John was anxious, he just rubbed the tension from his back and shoulders._

_His boyfriend didn’t bombard him with questions, he simply asked, “Do you want to talk?”_

_Most nights the answer would be no._

_But that night, he nodded and slowly sat up so he could look at Gary while he spoke to him._

_“Do you even know how many people have died because of me?”_

_Gary shook his head, though he didn’t seem scared._

_Everyone was always so scared._

_“A lot. So many I can’t even count them, squire. And I’m not even just talking about the people I failed to protect. No. I’ve killed, Gary. And their broken souls won’t leave me alone, not even when I sleep.”_

_Gary nodded, silent for a few moments, then he caressed John’s cheek and pulled him in for a chaste kiss._

_“Everyone has their demons, baby,” he began quietly, “You’re not some mass murderer on a spree. You make the tough decisions no one else is willing to make. And maybe you get it wrong sometimes. But you’re human, Johnny. You just have to keep trying to be the man I know you are. That’s all I can ask of you.”_

Constantine took a deep breath, almost willing to let Ethan go, but he was conflicted.

If he remained alive, John would never know for certain that his boyfriend would be safe.

“What if he tries to hurt you again, squire? What if I’m not there to protect you?” the warlock asked anxiously, squeezing his fists in the smaller man’s shirt without even realizing it.

“I won’t! I promise!” Ethan cried out desperately, which only pissed Constantine off even more.

“Shut up,” John spat with a look of disgust on his face, “I know you’ll say anything to save your pathetic life.”

Gary sighed, knowing how hard it would be for Constantine to walk away, but he knew it had to be done.

“I want you to spare him, Johnny. That’s what I want.”

John closed his eyes and took a deep breath before nodding.

Who was he to deny Gary what he needed?

“…Okay. Alright, my love,” he conceded, “Whatever you want.”

Gary nodded, looking proud of him, and it made Constantine feel a little better about letting the guy live.

However, John still needed to make sure Ethan understood that he was not allowed to even look Gary’s way ever again.

So, he grabbed the red head by his hair and pulled his head back harshly before whispering in his ear, “You touch him again and you’ll bloody _wish_ you were dead. Got that, mate?”

Ethan nodded frantically and Constantine finally let him go, adding one last, rough shove just for good measure.

“Gary?” the red headed man spoke up and John immediately put his arm out in front of his boyfriend.

“D-don’t talk to me, p-please,” Gary stuttered.

The warlock knew he was trying so hard to be brave. He _was_ being brave.

But the look of terror on his face gave him away.

His boyfriend was close to tears.

Before John could say anything, Ethan cut in again.

“I just wanted to say thank you for saving my life. I hope we can still be friends.”

Gary looked nauseous but he seemed to find his voice right before Constantine could come up with more threats.

“You were never my friend, Ethan,” Gary replied quietly, and though he had tears in his eyes, John thought he was stronger than anyone he’d ever met.

“And I’m not doing this for you. I’m not letting you live because I care about you. You made it pretty clear how little you care about me. I mean, I can’t even _walk_ because of you. I’m too afraid to have sex with own boyfriend because you decided to have some fun with me. Well, _I_ didn’t have any fun, Ethan. How could you do that to me?”

Ethan looked away, then quickly turned back and John could already tell that he was a manipulative little cunt.

“Gary, if I had known it would have hurt you so badly, I never would have done it.”

Constantine shook his head, incensed by the way he spoke to Gary.

Like he was stupid, or too naïve to even understand that what Ethan did was wrong.

“In what bloody universe would that not hurt?” John chimed in intensely and Ethan took a step back. 

“Even though I was drugged, I told you to stop,” Gary said in a small voice, “I did. I remember now. On the way to the bathroom I told you to let me go. When you took my pants off, I told you to stop. When you—when you started to touch me, the _only_ thing I could say was stop.”

Constantine could tell that Ethan was planning on responding, but he wasn’t going to let that happen.

Gary was just getting hurt all over again, reopening wounds that had barely stopped bleeding.

“Let’s go, love,” John murmured sweetly as he slid his hand in Gary’s, “He’s not worth anymore of your time.”

His boyfriend nodded, knowing that the whole conversation was a waste of time and that he would get nothing from it.

“Actually, why don’t you get a head start, aye, love?” Constantine requested gently and when Gary’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, he promised not to kill Ethan.

“O-okay,” Gary conceded, “Come back soon.”

“Absolutely, sunshine, no problem,” John agreed with a smile and with that, Gary was on his way back to the Waverider.

“Listen to me, now,” Constantine threatened firmly and Ethan immediately paid attention, “You ever touch him again, look at him again, talk about him again, hell, if you even bloody _think_ about him, I’ll come back here, and I will cause you an unbelievable amount of pain.”

Ethan shifted awkwardly before suddenly claiming boldly, “You can’t do anything to me! Gary said so.”

John laughed cruelly; what a fucking idiot.

“Do you think Gary cares if I hurt you? Maybe I can’t kill you, but there are worse things than death, you know.”

Ethan swallowed hard and wrapped his arms around his body.

“Gary’s special, mate,” Constantine admitted, “He believes in the good of the world, and if you ruined that for him, so help me god, I will find you wherever you go.”

John took out his time courier and just before stepping back into the Waverider, he turned back towards Gary’s abuser.

“If I were you, I’d run somewhere no one can find you. And I can find just about anyone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I removed the 10 chapter limit because I may end up wanting to make this story longer. I'll let y'all know once I'm closer to the end!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary has an incredibly tough decision to make and the most unexpected person on the ship helps him make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, sorry for the long break between chapters! I'd been suffering from some writer's block but I'm back. This chapter mostly wraps up the story, but I plan to write one more that takes place 6 months after this one. Thank you for reading/following my story. It means a lot to me to know people are interested. Stay healthy and safe!

It only took John a few minutes to finish up his little chat and then he was back on the ship.

And the former time agent had no idea how to feel.

He was scared, but not nearly as much as before.

He was angry, but the feelings were starting to fade away.

He was tired, far more exhausted than he’d ever been in his life.

And he was madly in love with a man who was willing to risk anything just to protect him.

Gary’s mind was racing with conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Then, Constantine was wrapping his arms around him and kissing his hair. He was holding him close, like he was something truly precious, and caressing his back gently, with all the love and respect in the world.

Gary melted into the embrace, feeling warm and cared for. Feeling like he wasn’t ruined or spoiled.

John made him feel like he was perfect the way he was, even though Gary knew that wasn’t true.

“Are you alright, sweetheart?” Constantine questioned while slowly stepping back so he could see his boyfriend’s face.

A face that was still swollen and bruised. 

John didn’t know how he was going to keep his anger under control. Every time he thought about what that Ethan motherfucker did, he wanted to kill him slowly.

“Um, yeah,” Gary said quietly, and for the most part that was true. 

He wasn’t nearly as broken hearted as he was when everything began, but he was still struggling with flashes of awful memories. He still felt the ghost of a hand on his body. He still ached inside of him.

Gary didn’t miss the fury that remained in his boyfriend’s eyes.

He could tell that John would be angry forever. He would always harbor a deep resentment for Ethan, and he would always long to kill him.

But Gary couldn’t allow that to happen. He just couldn’t.

“What—um—well, what did you say to him?” the former time agent asked with a nervous swallow.

Constantine didn’t always think things through.

John looked away before admitting darkly, “That he’d better run.”

Gary wasn’t actually disappointed; Ethan deserved fear. He _deserved_ to feel even a fraction of the terror he inflicted upon him.

Gary’s former friend had ruined him. A little fear was only fair.

“Thanks, Johnny,” the former time agent mumbled as he leaned against Constantine heavily. John didn’t seem to mind; he simply wrapped his arm around him and pulled him closer.

The warlock’s face shifted to one of embarrassment. His cheeks reddened as he finally confessed, “You were right, about the nightmares and everything. So, uh, so thanks, love. For stopping me, I mean.”

Gary smiled sadly and nodded his understanding.

He hated seeing his boyfriend so weighed down by shame all the time. At least he’d been able to relieve even a little bit of that all-consuming guilt.

“John?”

“Squire?” Constantine responded gently.

“I—sometimes I’m worried I won’t be able to move on from this,” Gary whispered, finally admitting his deepest fear.

If he didn’t get better, if he was always afraid, would John even want him anymore?

Would he still love him?

Constantine seemed to be able to sense his uneasiness and pressed his lips to Gary’s for a moment.

He always seemed to know just when Gary needed reassurance (which was often, unfortunately).

“I’ll help you every step of the way, love,” the warlock assured before lowering his voice, “Though, there is another option.”

The former time agent looked at his boyfriend in total confusion.

Another option? What did that mean? Did it mean breaking up? Did it mean John would leave him?

“What are you talking about?” Gary finally questioned weakly. He was fully preparing himself to hear that his boyfriend would be ending their relationship.

However, what he was told only seemed to confuse him more.

“Ava and I were talking and, well, we could flash your memory, if you wanted us to.”

Gary’s eyes narrowed and he was speechless for a moment.

He’d never even considered wiping his memory as a possibility. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but being able to forget all of the trauma and pain? That was nearly impossible to pass up.

Gary could feel himself beginning to panic.

He hated making decisions. He was too wavering, and he never could see the big picture.

He had always been a follower, which was why he was attracted to such strong, confident people.

“I—I…what should I do, Johnny?” the former time agent finally asked with a bit of a plea in his voice.

Constantine looked like he wanted to tell him, though he was clearly stopping himself. It was odd, watching John hold his tongue like that. He didn’t do it often.

Obviously, John wanted to share his opinion but didn’t feel it would be right to share it.

“Unfortunately, sweetheart, I can’t tell you that,” Constantine explained with a little frown, “But whatever you decide is fine with me. We’ll get through this no matter what.”

Gary raised an eyebrow incredulously, “You really don’t have an opinion?”

John raised his hands in surrender and shook his head.

“I never said that, did I?” he replied which only frustrated and confused his boyfriend even more.

“Well, then, why won’t you tell me what to do?” Gary argued with a huff.

Constantine knew how much he hated making choices on his own, yet he was forcing him to do just that.

“Because what I think doesn’t matter,” John said with a simple shrug, “This is your decision, darling, and no one else can make it for you. It wouldn’t be right.”

Gary felt his heart beating fast in his chest. There were so many pros and cons, so many things to consider, and absolutely no one was going to help him decide?

He was completely screwed.

“What are the risks?” the former time agent finally asked in the hopes of gaining some sort of knowledge he could use.

He was let down instantly.

“I dunno, love. Why don’t you ask Ava, yeah?” John suggested and it was decent idea. Ava would know the risks.

“O-okay,” Gary stammered, hoping he didn’t sound as pathetic as he felt.

Constantine softened; he was aware that his boyfriend most likely thought that he was the least helpful person on Earth.

But John wasn’t about to tell Gary what to do about a massive decision like this one.

“I know this is a big decision,” Constantine attempted to reassure, “So take your time.”

Gary nodded, though his anxiety only seemed to increase.

He twisted his fingers as he requested in a near-whisper, “No matter what I choose, you’ll be okay with it, right?”

That was the only thing that really mattered to the former time agent; he just really needed his boyfriend to approve.

It was stupid, but he trusted John’s judgement more than his own. He didn’t want to let him down.

“Of course, squire,” Constantine confirmed sweetly while gently caressing Gary’s cheek, “I’m one hundred percent supportive.”

The former time agent was shocked; he’d never had someone’s full support like that. He’d never had someone just _trust_ him, without having to prove himself.

“I love you,” Gary couldn’t help but say.

“I love you, too, sunshine,” John responded tenderly, which made Gary feel more secure and confident.

He could make a decision. It would be the right one, and his boyfriend would be proud of him.

XxXxXxX

“Ava?” Gary requested after quietly making his way onto the bridge, “Do you have a minute?”

He noticed Zari and Mick playing a game of cards, though he did his best to ignore them. 

Truthfully, he was afraid of being judged. Mostly by Mick, who was the most intimidating man he’d ever met.

John told Gary that Mick was particularly kind and supportive when he was unconscious, but Gary still chose to be careful.

He didn’t want to face high school all over again. Not with the insults and the cool guys who were bigger than him, and much more adept at fighting.

No, the former time agent was fine with finding a way around that.

“Of course,” Ava agreed with a kind smile.

She appeared somewhat guilty, though Gary couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t her fault something happened to him.

It was no one’s fault but his own.

John would have argued with him on that one, but luckily, John didn’t have access to Gary’s private thoughts.

“Well, John brought up the possibility of flashing my memory if I wanted to. I don’t know what I want, but I was wondering if you knew the risks?” Gary asked in a rush.

He was embarrassed, but he couldn’t put a finger on why.

Maybe it was simply the matter of discussing it that made him uneasy. Or the reality that such a shameful thing had actually happened to him.

Ava nodded her understanding and ushered her friend into a chair.

“There are a few risks, Gary. You know the common ones,” she started matter-of-factly.

Gary nodded his agreement; of course, he knew the common side effects. Everyone at the Time Bureau did.

Headaches, nausea, confusion, temporary blindness, etc.

That wasn’t really what Gary was concerned about.

“Sometimes, however,” Ava continued gravely, “it can erase all of your memories, from start to finish.”

At the horrified look on the former time agent’s face, Ava quickly changed the direction of the conversation.

“But that’s nearly impossible,” she dismissed, “It’s only happened three times since we started using them. And we’ve been using them for decades!”

Gary, however, didn’t see things in the same light.

His memories were important to him. He cherished his memories.

“I don’t want to forget my entire life, Ava!” he panicked while his palms became sweaty and the pace of his breathing quickened.

“What if I forget you?” he continued with eyes wide in fear, “What if I forget _John_? I can’t forget him!”

Gary felt like his world was crashing down. His original plan was to go ahead and flash the memory away, remove the pain from his life and simply go back to normal.

But if there was even a 0.001% chance that he could lose John in the process, well, then it wasn’t worth it. Not even a little bit.

“I really don’t think that will happen, Gary, but it is a risk,” Ava comforted.

She hated to ruin her friend’s plan, but she would never lie to him, either. That wouldn’t be fair.

“I don’t think it’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Gary finally decided, though his heart ached at the thought that he would have to remember Ethan’s hands for the rest of his life.

Ava nodded and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“It’s totally up to you, Gary,” she said, mirroring John’s earlier sentiment.

The former time agent was starting to get pissed off, which admittedly, was pretty rare for him.

“Yeah,” he grumbled as Ava walked away, “that’s what everyone keeps saying.”

Zari, having noticed Gary’s frustration, joined him on the small step he was sitting on.

She understood what it felt like to want to forget. She also understood what it felt like to be forced to remember.

“How are you?” she asked in a soft voice. Gary almost laughed at the absurdity of the question. 

_How was he?_

Pretty terrible. Was that not clear?

“I’m confused,” he finally admitted while trying to ignore the fact that a large arsonist was staring at him and clearly listening in on his conversation.

The former time agent knew that he couldn’t handle Mick’s cruel jokes or mean jabs. He couldn’t handle being ridiculed.

Maybe John thought Mick was a good guy, and maybe he was a good guy, but Gary wasn’t willing to take the risk.

He didn’t need to be around anyone who made him even the slightest bit uncomfortable.

“You want my opinion?” Zari asked and Gary brought his attention back to the friendly face beside him.

“ _Please_ , Zari.”

The former time agent knew he sounded pathetic. He knew that he was literally begging for help, but he couldn’t figure the whole thing out. Not all alone.

“This is about you, Gary,” she said firmly, “Not us. Not Ava. Not even John. You’ve spent your entire life trying to please everyone, but this is finally a choice you get to make. And no one can judge you for whatever you choose.”

It wasn’t exactly a definitive answer, but it seemed to be exactly what Gary needed to hear.

Zari was right; he’d only ever made decisions based on what other people wanted. He didn’t think he was worthy of making his own choices. 

But when the time came that he was finally confident enough to make that decision, he had no clue what to do.

“Part of me feels like if I erase my memory, I’ll be erasing everything,” Gary worried aloud, “I’ll erase John taking care of me and I’ll erase everyone on the ship.”

Zari nodded her understanding, realizing that the anxious man beside her just needed to talk things through. Her role was simply to listen.

“But there’s this other part of me that just wants to rip Ethan and those disgusting hands out of my brain!” Gary cried out with tears welling in his eyes yet again.

He felt so pathetic, just like always.

“Listen, kid,” Mick spoke up in an unexpectedly gentle voice. 

Maybe John was right; maybe Mick could be trusted.

Still, he wasn’t totally convinced.

“This is always gonna hurt. Your whole fucking life, you’ll have to remember that moron’s face,” the larger man seethed. 

Gary couldn’t help but feel like he was missing some relevant information.

“So, you want an opinion? Here’s mine: flash your goddamn memory. Some people would kill for this opportunity, so just take it.”

Gary, though somewhat frightened, appreciated the honesty.

He didn’t want his feelings to be protected. He wanted someone to challenge him so he could figure out what he wanted—or rather, didn’t want.

“I can’t forget John,” Gary decided stubbornly, “that would be worse than—well, it would be worse than any bad memory I have to live with.”

Mick nodded, seeming to understand, but also seeming to disapprove of his decision.

Gary appreciated it. Mick actually cared enough to feel something about the situation.

“Well, then I think you know what your decision is,” the larger man said calmly after taking another sip of his beer.

Gary, however, noticed that his hands were trembling.

The former time agent had no idea what John and Mick bonded over while he was unconscious, but he figured it had something to do with abuse of some kind.

Somehow, without knowing why, Gary felt a bond beginning to form with the typically menacing criminal.

“I don’t want to burden him,” the former time agent managed to murmur.

Mick just seemed like the person to talk to. Gary didn’t know why, but it just felt right.

“Who?” the older man questioned, “Wannabe Rip Hunter?”

Gary nodded, and even found himself a bit amused by the other man’s description of his boyfriend.

“It’s not a burden,” Mick said seriously, clearly wanting to make sure the former time agent understood.

“B-but how do you _know_ that?” Gary questioned a bit sadly. No one could really _know_ how John felt.

“…It’s never a burden to take care of someone you love,” Mick replied gruffly, and Gary was struck by the sincerity of his words.

Maybe he’d misjudged. Though the more he got to see of the other man, he realized that he definitely had.

“I mean,” Gary debated, still afraid and unsure, “people say that, but I don’t know if it’s true.”

Mick sighed; he wasn’t used to dealing with people who were insecure. He didn’t know how to console them.

Snart never needed to be convinced of his worth; he was an arrogant bastard. And, _fuck_ , Mick missed him so much.

“Well, kid, you can trust me,” the older man said with a shrug.

He wanted Gary to be alright, but he wasn’t exactly the emotional type. He was ready for the conversation to be over.

“I can?” the former time agent questioned earnestly.

Gary didn’t have the best luck with people. He seemed to often trust the wrong ones and obsess over the right ones.

“I just said it, didn’t I?” Mick snapped, obviously irritated.

Gary wrapped his arms around himself in an effort to seem smaller, to seem non-existent. He didn’t want to make the only person who’d been able to help him mad.

“Sorry,” the former time agent murmured as his cheeks reddened in humiliation.

“A man I loved went through the same thing you did,” Mick finally admitted. Gary now completely understood the older man’s desire to help, and he also understood his irritation.

Being reminded of his love’s sexual abuse like that was most likely heart breaking.

“And getting him back to a point where he could finally be happy again wasn’t a fucking _burden_. It was the best feeling in the world.”

That was exactly what Gary needed to hear.

He just wanted to know that he wasn’t about to put his boyfriend through something he wouldn’t be able to deal with.

But Mick said he didn’t mind. That it was the “best feeling in the world,” helping his husband get better.

“That’s—Mick, I really appreciate you telling me that. You didn’t have to, but I’m really glad you did,” Gary admitted with a shy smile.

The older man grunted, shrugging his shoulders as though it didn’t matter. 

The look in his eyes told a different story.

The arsonist understood Gary’s pain. He understood _John’s_ pain. 

The former time agent was beyond grateful to have been one of the few people Mick had shared his story with.

“Constantine’s not gonna give up on you. You have my word,” Mick said seriously and for some reason, Gary had no trouble believing him.

John would never hurt him. He knew that. And Mick had just confirmed it.

The former time agent got up and began to walk away, though he heard the tail end of Mick and Zari’s conversation.

“Mick, that was incredibly kind,” she praised, sounding proud of her friend and teammate. 

Gary couldn’t help but agree. It was quite possibly one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for him.

“Whatever,” Mick dismissed, though he seemed somewhat pleased by Zari’s sentiment.

“Not whatever,” she debated firmly, “Whoever that man is, the one you loved, he’d be proud of you, too.”

Mick sounded resigned as he replied quietly, “I hope so,” just barely loud enough to be heard.

XxXxXxX

“I’ve decided,” Gary informed nervously. His voice was shaking, and he couldn’t stop fidgeting with his tie, but he had _decided_.

John looked up at him with a careful expression on his face; one which did not show any sort of opinions or reactions.

It only made him more terrified.

“Yeah? Alright, love, let’s hear it,” John requested as positively as he could manage.

Gary’s boyfriend was an opinionated man; it was odd seeing him refrain from sharing his own thoughts.

It was almost unsettling. 

But Gary nodded, anyways, and settled down beside John who placed a sweet kiss atop his head. The affectionate gesture relaxed the former time agent enough to finally share his decision.

“I—I’m not going to flash my memory.”

John couldn’t help but feel shocked.

He couldn’t wrap his mind around _why_ Gary would choose to hold onto something so awful.

“I know you’re probably wondering why…” Gary continued as though he could read his boyfriend’s mind.

John simply nodded, decidedly saying nothing.

Gary had a right to explain himself. In fact, he had a right to make his own decisions without having to explain himself.

“I don’t want to lose all of the relationships I’ve formed with everybody here. A-and really, the biggest reason is that even though it’s rare, I could forget everything completely. My whole life, just gone,” Gary explained, and his voice cracked.

“I could lose my memory of you and I can’t live with that.”

John felt immensely guilty. Gary was choosing to have that painful memory with him for the rest of his life, all because he wanted to remember his boyfriend.

Constantine would be lying if he said he wasn’t touched. He’d also be lying if he said he didn’t love Gary so much he planned to marry him.

But keeping that memory, it was too much. Gary was giving up too much.

“Okay, love,” John began carefully, not wanting to seem unsupportive, “I understand. I do.”

The former time agent seemed unconvinced.

“I just…fuck, Gar, you’re choosing a lifetime of pain just so you can remember me,” Constantine explained with a sad look in his eyes.

Gary shook his head, trying to explain that there were multiple factors in his decision-making process, and that John had no reason to go blaming himself.

However, he didn’t get the chance.

“Sweetheart,” John continued with a sense of dread, “You’re gonna regret this in the future. I really don’t think I’m worth all that.”

“Well, I do,” Gary fought back instantly, “And you take care of me. So I don’t think I am choosing a lifetime of pain. I think I’m choosing to grow our relationship from this one painful event.”

Constantine took a deep breath. He couldn’t live without Gary; he knew that. And living in a world where Gary didn’t even remember who he was? That would have been hell.

“Gary, you’ll never know how much you mean to me,” John murmured as he pushed a strand of dark hair away from his boyfriend’s face.

“If I lost you, love, I don’t know what I would do,” the warlock admitted in a small voice.

It was incredibly rare for Constantine to be open, so Gary was soaking it all up like a sponge.

He’d been craving moments of emotional vulnerability for his entire relationship with John and he was finally getting what he needed.

“You won’t lose me, Johnny,” Gary promised with a genuine grin.

John hadn’t seen one of those beautiful smiles in a long time. Not one so bright and all-encompassing. So dorky and sweet. So _Gary_ , when he was truly at his best.

“I won’t let you down, my love,” Constantine promised seriously, “I swear on my life, I will always be there for you.”

Gary’s smile somehow seemed to brighten, which John previously thought was impossible.

“I know that, John. That’s why I’m not afraid anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously, I love Mick. The next (and last) chapter will be a glimpse into our boys' future together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much. Happy reading!


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